Thanks for info. I found a YouTube video on adjusting the headset.
Yeah I went to LBS and it was unproductive. I had tried to do too much problem solving on my own without knowing what I was doing, and they couldn't understand what I was trying to tell them. They tried to help me and even called their bike fit specialist out from some back room to talk to me but I had already gotten myself too tangled up in misunderstandings. On the up side, they did convince me that a really steep stem was a bad idea and that prompted me to go home and read more until I grokked it.
Also the first thing they showed me was a Specialized stem with a shim in it. I understand now why he showed me that - because I was clearly lost and that would give me a better chance of finding a comfortable position (the shim gives it variable tilt). But in my great ignorance I thought I don't want a shim - I want something that fits LOL
Little by little I'll get it.
Thanks for all help