sigh. i heard yesterday that these people have been approved - and are cheerfully, guilelessly planning - to renew my contract for another six months when this current one expires. lord, talk about failures to communicate. i've barely hung on for the past four months as it is, and i was barely expecting to be able to hang on for the next two. and no, riding my bike a nice meaty distance doesn't cut it for me as an incentive - no way. the only interest was in seeing how much better shape i could get myself in while it lasted. but i'd never have planned to be riding out there for the rest of my life, or even one day longer than i had to. it ain't the ride, it's the work. they're adorable out there, to the very last one. and i can't stand them.

today i drove to work, and it really brought it home to me how much of a factor the bike commute has been these past months: how crazy i was getting before i started, how much more cheerful it's made me feel, and how cheerfully it's kept me able to keep ticking off days and feel okay about the time that's still left. clearly it's not just about getting to do a ride, because i tried it on in my mind, thinking "you could renew, and have this distance nailed down as a certainty for another six months". nah. not even tempted. still want to tear my skin off and mail it to moscow at the mere thought - and that's not even thinking about the sheer dread and despair of trying to handle baseball season next year if i was working out there. i planned to finish this contract, with the incentive of riding out there keeping me sane and motivated while it lasted, and then take my marbles and my shiny new legs and ride them to work at some other place where the work itself could make me happy again. that was my plan for next year. bleah. woe is me.

sigh. got an appointment with the recruiter next week - who is real shocked and depressed that i'm not all happy about renewing, but he'd better adjust. in the meantime i took advantage of having driven today to rack up the hours i'll be spending chewing the scenery at him next week. planning to ride again tomorrow, as far as i know.