"And I've been drinking again, often and a lot."

I will only reply because I have lived it and continue to live it everyday.... the excessive alcohol use does not help in any way.

I am not a psychologist and I do not pretend to be able to diagnose your motivation for undoing all the wonderful and meaningful things you have accomplished. It has been my personal experience that the overeating and the alcohol abuse is a symptom of some other issue.

What is it about your weight loss and fitness gains that make you so uncomfortable that you feel you must sabotage those efforts? Is it possible that you are seeking some type of external solution to an internal problem?

We all go through periods where we feel we have lost our way... good on you for reaching out to this community for feedback and support. Remember, if it is not part of the solution then it is part of the problem.