thanks for the responses everyone! honestly, just writing it down and reading your responses has helped a lot. unfortunately because of my schedule I don't have time for many outlets beyond riding, and very little social time. turning here to write it down was somewhat of an attempt at just getting it off my chest. I'm glad to have this community if you can call it that, and this particular subforum has provided a lot of help and motivation to me on this journey.

I had a great date night with my lady last night (we saw the blink 182 show while grandma babysat [I'm dating myself, I know]), and I've done some soul searching about my responsibilities and motivations (or lack thereof). feeling much better today, and I'm thinking a couple days of down time from all the exercise and dieting and spending a little more time with family has actually helped me chill out a bit.

sometimes the impression that we have to be 100% all the time (which is impossible) creates the false impression of failure and hopelessness. of course I know this isn't true, but sometimes we are our own worst enemy. trying to focus on the positives!