Bandera - I'm glad you found a way to enjoy riding after racing. I hope some day I can reach a place of acceptance and feeling that this was a decision I made instead of a thing that was forced on me against my will.
Dalai - if I didn't already say it, I'm so sorry for your loss. Of my situation pales in comparison with losing a spouse. In part that is why I am heading down this path to retirement - I can't in good conscience put my family through what could happen. If I was single with no family I might make a different decision.
sarals - thank you for the hug. I don't know what my next thing will be.
rwt - thank you for the support. how many concussions have you had? I didn't realize you were in this situation too... anyway, my doctor and I had a conversation about whether I could race "conservatively" - I realistically don't think i can. And even if I did, this year alone I was next to 3 crashes (not affecting me) in parts of a race where i was not contending a sprint or pressing for position. I got lucky not being affected by those, but the people who were, would not have been able to avoid them by being more conservative. I think it's just an inherent risk.
I agree, that risk is still there for JRA - only 1 of my concussions was in a race - but cycling in general is just too much to give up. I think racing has much higher risk of crashing than regular riding - I've been in several race crashes - so it feels like avoiding mass start racing reduces the risk, a lot.
My risk-list is different than yours, probably b/c my skills are different. MTB and CX carry crash risk for me for sure.
HP - thanks for the condolences. You have been a great help with this for me. i truly appreciate it.
shovelhd - i'll take you up on that, at some point. thank you. You totally get this. Probably more than anyone. We're in the same situation - forced retirement. When it happened to you, i was really sad for you.
LAJ - yep, you get it. I'm not even worried about being accepted or respected or whatever.... it's not about that for me. it's about being part of it. And more, about the process, for me, for improving my skills, tactics, fitness, and actually competing, head to head. And i think that is (mostly or completely) going to be gone. sad.
revchuck - thanks. yes you are right. cards you are dealt. good to remember.
Thanks for the thoughts, everyone. now that i've said this out loud, i might be able to go back to participating in the rest of this forum.