I said I wouldn't be back here for a while, maybe a long while. I haven't read any of the comments in either the thread I posted the lengthy details of my personal situation, no doubt way TMI, or to the follow-up post, where I truly apologized for the disruption of the forum and bringing my own psychological issues into a bicycle discussion. I truly am sorry about that inappropriate display, it was unseemly.

I just feel the need to post this piece today - and it's not for sympathy, to invite comments, or to make myself "feel better". I don't really "feel better" about anything, and I suspect it will be a long time coming before I do.

Just once in my life, for one moment, I want to feel like a man, capable of looking the other guy in the eye and standing on my own two feet, without debilitating fear and with some dignity. That is what I feel like I am doing by posting here.

I just decided that, as full of sh** as my entire life has been, I needed to do something to throw some good out into the universe. Because I can. Because I need to know that there is something more than just pain, and so much of the time, pain is all I can sense. There must be good in the Universe, or what would be the point of existence?

I consider this a Mitzvah which I need to do (and no, I'm not Jewish, I just like the concept and hope I'm interpreting the term and concept behind it correctly as a non-Jew).

I know a guy who is really struggling in life right now, as I am, with a lot of problems around a bad divorce and custody issues; ex is being really vicious. It's really knocking him down to the mat, but he keeps getting up and taking the next punch because he won't lose his kids, who mean the world to him, and they want him in their lives. He's down and out in every way, spiritually, psychologically, financially. He seems like a very decent, honorable guy who doesn't deserve the level of venom he is getting. I know there was infidelity in the relationship -but it wasn't he who committed it.

He has a crappy old mountain bike with a bent rim, keeps getting pinch flats almost every time he tries to ride. Said he can't even afford to have the wheel repaired (if repairable at all) and trued right now, so he just keeps patching the same tubes and trying to ride.

I am setting him up tomorrow with a mountain bike package, everything he should need. I told him it was a bike that was too large for me, a bad purchase decision, (he's about 3 inches taller than I am) and extra equipment sitting around I didn't need in my way. Well, it wasn't. I went on a shopping trip to a local chain's outlet center and the local Performance, used up some bonus points and covered the difference. I hope he isn't any the wiser and doesn't object. It's not the best package, but it's not the worst either; I did well finding bargains, clearances, and sale prices.

I want to state explicitly, I don't want anything from this group - I won't even read responses. You can each take this, if you read it, however you want - dismiss me as a raving lunatic, or say a silent prayer for me as you see fit.

Similarly, there are no strings attached to my gift to him - I only know him casually, enough to know his story, he is mainly a friend of friends of mine and we have started to encounter each other in various situations, enough to talk about life.

If he asks if there is any obligation, I will tell him only one -that some day, if he is in a position, he can pay it forward and help someone else.

Having an illness, physical or mental, doesn't mean that the person is no longer that, a person, nor should he (or she) be discarded like trash nor culled like some feral animal. At least I hope it doesn't. Unfortunately, that seems to be what happens to the old, sick, or "mentally ill" in this country. I have even felt that way about myself recently, and have wondered if I should be "culled from the herd" for the good of all ... but I must remind myself that I hope my life can still have meaning to me, and I have hope that it will get better.

I didn't ask for PTSD (more accurately, the as-yet-officially-unrecognized CPTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). It has made me question my worth, to the level of questioning my very humanity. I think I'm still a man despite everything that was done to me, and hope some day I can look others in the eye and not feel shame for the fact I exist.