I'm kind of curious if everyone above who can't believe someone never learned to ride a bike as a kid learned everything I did as a kid. If not, why?

Before going out and buying a bike to learn on, is it possible you have any friends that can loan you one and help to get you started? If not, or you really want to buy, cruisers are really easy to ride and fairly cheap to buy. You may not find them to your liking once you get more into it, though. I can't stand being on the things for more than a few minutes, but they are indeed easy to ride.

As others have said, something with a low seat that you can flatfoot sitting on, and hand brakes will make the job easier. If you get a bike with gears, put it in an easy gear and leave it there until you get the basics of balance and propulsion down.