Originally Posted by Rocket-Sauce

“Grant Petersen is the father of every kid in this town!”

“Grant Petersen once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!”

“He’d eat a homeless person if you dared him!”

“His poop is used as currency in Argentina.”

“He sweats Gatorade”

“He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health.”

“He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! …….And he hated irony!”

“He sheds his skin once a year.”

“He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia.”

“He once inhaled a seagull.”

“The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress.”

“It was the sight of Petersen’s naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane.”

“He once had sex with a cigarette machine.”

“He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident.”

“He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel.”

“He once ate the Bible while water skiing.”

“He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.”

“He sired a baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards!”

“You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!”

“He has dandruff the size of mice!”

“He jogged with a fridge on his back!”

“He’s a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi.”

“He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen.”

“He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million.”

“Did I ever tell you about the time Petersen went hunting? Petersen decides he’s going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives…except Fleagle.”

“We once had a bachelor party for Petersen. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.”