A bike is good temporary therapy, but it is not enduring therapy for the pain you are suffering. I agree that you do need to find a counselor to discuss your past, try to resolve or come to peace and then make constructive inroads for your future. She/he can really help put life into perspective and show new pathways. This is a wonderful bike forum, but you need more. Your community may provide low-cost or no cost therapy. Do a little research. I wish you the very best. (I was a licensed counselor, now retired.).