... Or how not to prepare for a ride. Here's what you do.

1. Get sunburned the day before (yes, I know it's closing in on 'winter' over here, so what?).

2. Stay up most of the night before so you can watch the FA Cup final on TV (God knows, it's not like I'm going to watch anything else).

3. Make sure you're with a group who aren't riding as far as you are, and make sure you sustain their pace all through your ride.

4. Find a member of that group who is almost as unprepared as you are, and give them most of your water on a blazing hot day (yes, I know it's closing in on 'winter', but I don't seriously believe it exists anyway).

5. Don't eat anything during the ride, even if they all decide to stop at a coffee shop somewhere.

I can guarantee that if you follow these five simple steps, after about 100km or so you'll see Elvis, the easter bunny, the tooth fairy, Mr Spanky, a pink sheep and Santa Claus.