I've had one constant midlife crises since I was 11.

You're not accepted into the Middle Ager Club Patriot. If you were truly middle aged the bike would have "Seven" or "Serrotta" or "One Off Custom Made by Bavarian Craftsman" on the downtube, you would have flown out to the factory to have Hans spend a week discussing EXACTLY what you wanted from the bike, measuring your fit, and having Hilda fondle your nether regions whilst fitting you for a seat upholstered in some endangered species.

Face it, you're a middle aged wannabe