Under five miles and most of us would not even need shorts! Something is really, really wrong with your fit on the bike if not even a Cloud 9 saddle alone makes you comfortable. Thinner, bonier rear ends might find more padding comfortable, but by your own admission you have plenty of such padding built in. Rather than persist in following your own flawed line of logic in solving your issues, you might consider taking a step back and listen to objective advice given in this thread, and also visiting a bike retailer, though I don't have a high degree of confidence in LBS's abilities to help people that need out of the box solutiions. Maybe a bike co-op.