as i came off that last turn in about 30th place, i thought back to a few of the previous laps. maybe i shouldn't have gone for the bonus points. they didn't really mean anything to me, and the only reason i tried was because i wanted to prove - maybe only to myself - that i had the power and the pace to run with these guys on this day. but it didn't matter at this point, because i did it anyway, and i was pretty-much wrecked. i was beat. i screwed up somewhere...
maybe i made a mistake by pushing the pace and running up front. after all, i was only doing it for kicks. maybe that was what did me in.
i started wondering what else i might have done wrong that was about to land me way outside the top 20, and i began to retrace the last few days leading up to this race.
i felt great while working out on sunday. i rode 15 miles down the coast before doing my usual route, and i was still able to break my own personal record for average speed over my that 30 mile loop.
i felt amazing yesterday on my 50-miler down the coast as well. so why wasn't i ready for today? well maybe that was it. it was that "easy" 50 mile ride which turned into a feel-good hammerfest that left me worn-out last night, and feeling a little weak all day today. yep..that's it. when i should have been out for an easy spin, i instead went out and all but blew the race day engine with an idiotic, overzealous joyride.

the snap in my legs just...wasn't...there.

there were other factors, though. for one, the pace was way up in this race compared to the last. where we averaged around 28-29mph two weeks ago, today we were up over 30. everyone was just plain faster this week, and i could tell from the first lap that i was in for it. once the pace car left the field behind, the front-runners were on the gas right away. there was a point inside the first 5 laps that i found myself wondering if i would even be able to finish. fortunately, i did eventually settle down and was able to ride some very strong laps up front.

i wanted to stay close to the front the entire race, but i found myself yo-yo'ing from the front to the back the entire time. i couldn't seem to react to the acceleration of the pack as fast as i would have liked.
the plan i had for navigating that first turn from the previous race went out the window on..oh...the pace lap. it turns out the organizers redesigned the course and actually extended the previously straight barriers outward to a point in turns 1 and 2 which forced everyone to round them off the way they were supposed to. this is probably another reason why the pace was faster than last week.
i still felt like i could carry more speed around the outside than anyone else, but wouldn't you know it - there was a huge dusty patch right in my path at the apex of my wide line. wth... no way. it just wasn't going to be my day, i guess.

aside from these factors, i also feel like i spent a lot of time worrying about where i would finish this time, as opposed to last time where i was just plain trying to finish. amazing, the difference in expectations from the first race to the second.
i felt, though, that in spite of some minor mistakes this time, i successfully avoided making any of the mistakes i made last time. everything went smoother, and the fact that i did manage to hold it all together and finish with the group makes me feel pretty good. i was definitely more assertive, more aggressive. i kept my corners smooth and didn't get pushed wide on the front straight nearly as often as i did last week, which meant i was able to pick and choose my lines going into the turns. in the first race, i felt like i was at the mercy of the pack for almost the entire race, simply reacting to the rider next to me and in front of me.

where did i finish?

well there i was, coming out of the final turn in about 30th place. it was a little disconcerting to say the least, to be where i was. i felt like i had ridden about ten times harder today than i did two weeks ago when i was in the final sprint and finished 11th, but i wasn't going to have much to show for it this time. my name wouldn't even show up on the results list this week.
but then i started to think. what went wrong? i started to think about all of the mistakes i had made in the days leading up to this one and what i'd do differently in the next round.
and then i realized...those were my thoughts in the days following the first race. so why was i thinking that way now?

because i was in the process of giving up.

and we just don't do that. so i shifted up, got out of the saddle and began to sprint. i sprinted as hard as i've ever sprinted. there was what seemed like a wall of riders in front of me, but got through somehow. i felt like i was going to die. my legs burned like i was pulling a bus, but i just kept going, gritting my teeth and saying "come on!!" i just wanted a top 20 finish. at this point, just seeing my name on the results list would suffice. so i kept pushing as hard as i could possibly push, legs on fire, i couldn't even see straight.

when i crossed the finish line, i hadn't even seen how many riders finished ahead of me. i just put my head down and pounded the handlebars, dropping an f-bomb through my teeth. i felt like i'd really blown it, shaking my head all the way around the cool-down lap - legs still burning, thinking that'll be the last time i ride the day before a race.
but when i rolled over to my brother and friends who came to watch, everybody patted me on the back and told me how "great" i did. i expressed my disappointment, but no one seemed to agree. they insisted that i had done an awesome job and i should be happy.

well...ok. fine. i'm sure there's a silver lining here somewhere. i just need to mull things over for a while to find it.

and when i rode over to check the final results, i had a little trouble believing this, but i had finished 15th.

15th.

when it was all said and done - after giving up, but not quite giving up, then sprinting so hard i almost went blind - i got my damn top 20.
to me, this is better than the first race. because in spite of not being 100% today, and in spite of this being a tougher, faster field, i was still able to finish well. there's still more to be had. and there's that silver lining i was looking for.