This thread is getting funnier and funnier.

Traffic Jammer --
To be a 50+ appropriate "old fart elitist bastard" model, OFEB, it needs (at a minimum):
triple chainring, bigger rear cogs (maybe 11-32)
fatter tires
upsloping stem
riser handlebars
large saddlebag
etc, etc, etc......and so on and so forth

love the can't suck this wheel pissy tires.