rename the bike Phoenix. red, orange and black color scheme. make it really flashy, as cheaply as possible. lock it up where you found it with a crummy, easy-to-break lock. hide in the bushes with a baseball bat and maybe a friend (to keep you in check) and wait.

the first words out of your mouth should be "so...you like bikes??"

you'll be a crazy fool at that point. go with the flow.