great title: "When I Die, I'm Going To Haunt The **** Out Of You People"

http://www.theonion.com/content/opin...going_to_haunt

also, the only horoscope that matters (ie. the onion's):
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You'll die from an accidental overdose of hormones that causes every muscle in your body to flex uncontrollably, become rigid, and eventually rupture after the 911 operator repeatedly hangs up on you for saying you're as "hard and straight as a bar of iron and ready to pop at any second."