I am reluctant to reveal my secret...but I just can't seem to help myself:

When I get a new chain I emerse it in solvent for 7 days or until the first full moon. I then remove it and let it drip dry over a smoldering cherrywood fire for another 7 days. I then weigh it on my digital gram scale and have the weight added to the list of stuff tattooed on my rump.

I then weigh out 1.75ml or a wax based lubricant (sorry, I won't reveal brands here as I have to keep something to myself) and apply 1 drop between the INNER SIDE of the INNER PLATE and roller. (Yes chains are directional!) I then measure out 2.66ml of a wet lube and repeat the same process between the INNER SIDE of the OUTER PLATE and roller.

I weigh the chain again and head off to the tattoo parlour.

After allowing the chain to "brew" for 3 days, I wipe down any excess lube that may have leaked out using a hand woven hemp rag that has been soaked in organic, citrus based degreasers and been tied to the south facing side of a yew tree during the Gibus moon.

I then IMMEDIATELY apply 1 drop of a dry lube to EVERY SECOND LINK ON BOTH SIDES from the .95ml of lube I had previously measured out. I fold the chain carefully so that each dry link comes in contact with the neighbouring wet link, place the folded chain in a brown paper bag (one with no printing on it as the ink may contaminate the chain while it is still vulnerable) and swing it over my head while dancing circles in my back yard and clucking like a chicken.

This I do for 15 minutes on the first available Saturday morning between the hours of 4:30 am and 6:00am.

I then wrap the chain in fresh tinfoil (being VERY careful not to crinkle the foil) and place the chain in a preheated over at 250 for 25 minutes. I remove it and allow it to cool.

The chain is now ready to use.

Some may scoff at my "untraditional methods" but I offer this as testimonial to my methods.

I used to ride, every Saturday and Sunday with my local club. Of course, over the duration of the ride advise would be passed around regarding the best methods of training or bike maintenance and such. Eventually, after I had revealed a few of my "methods" these seasoned riders came to hold me in such high esteem that they now trust me, and only me, to lube their chains. In fact, I have a pile of chains that these guys are all waiting for me to prepare.

The downside is I don't really have much time to ride anymore so I'm not really sure when I can get these chains back to them. But I know that when I do, they will shower me with the appreciation and adulation that I deserve.

Take that Mr Sheldon "know it all!" Brown