In what can only be considered an abject humiliation of the very asphalt I ride on, tonight I shattered-shattered, I tell you! all records for my commute, including the one set this morning with a time/average speed of 28:45/16.3, more than a minute faster than this morning's 29:45/15.9. Both rides were also the first time I got below 30 minutes and I achieved my goal of having my round trip commute by bike take less time than a single leg on the subway. I attribute my performance to extensive blood doping via massive oral infusions of Rolling Rock, and I look forward to tomorrow's commute, which is sure to feature me falling off my bike, probably in front of a lot of people.