You are doing a lot of whining for getting free use of a large SUV courtesy of your mom. You have two good options:
1) A hitch rack from Thule, Yakima or Saris - - all good quality.
2) Suck it up, take your front wheel off (or rear too) and you can pack many more bikes/bodies in an Expedition.
Sheesh.
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Originally Posted by Mark Twain
"Don't argue with stupid people; they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."