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Old 12-14-04 | 02:15 AM
  #30  
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glevii
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Joined: Oct 2004
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From: Chicago
Ask yourself this question, as opposed to cycling what would you want him doing? Be specific, and don't just answer "Spend time with me". What activities are you looking for him to participate with you in? I've met as many wives as husbands who are as uncompromising as the other when it comes to spending time together. Getting angry at a husband because he wants to watch football on Sunday rather than spend an exciting day at a local craft fair is a little unfair. The argument quickly turns into "you never want to do anything with me". Which in turn turns into "I wouldn't mind if you watched football with me". Keeping score like, "I watched football with you last weekend so you should go to the craft fair with me this Sunday" is a quick way to create more conflict.

Sounds like you guys aren't "dating" anymore. Dating is an extremely important part of a marriage. A date is the time you both agree that will be spent with just each other. Do the things that you used to do before getting married.

Living exclusively for the other person is very unhealthy. It's very important that one maintain a certain level of individual identity within a relationship. A marriage becomes a "we" very quickly, and the "me", and "I" gets lost somewhere in the shuffle. What were the things you enjoyed before being married? Have you dropped those activities because of your husband? That can create an enormous amount of resentment. Has he cycled as long as you've known him? If so, expecting him to change is unrealistic.

The other posters who suggested getting a hobby yourself are only half right. If the only reason your searching out new activities is because you're feeling neglected, it's not going to fix the problem. Talking to him may help, but very likely he'll feel like you're asking him to choose. It'll make him defensive and close himself off even more to you. This is where counseling becomes effective. Counseling helps relieve the burden of complicated communication issues. It doesn't solve them for you, but helps translate what you're trying to say into terms that each one will understand. Because, quite frankly men and women speak two different languages.

In summary, your issue is not his cycling. The cycling is a symptom of a bigger problem. The cycling is just the most evident thing to lash out at. Frankly, though, I can think of far worse activities that he could be doing.

Try asking him out on a "date". Just the two of you. Kill the regular Saturday evening routine (I'm willing to bet a paycheck that you two haven't had a Saturday evening completely to yourselves in a quite awhile). Find out what he'd like to do, and compromise on something. One of the most agreeable dates is a comedy club. There's no fighting over sappy chick flick, or macho guy killing everybody flick. It's a very neutral place.

Well, maybe this will help and maybe not. They're just suggestions. But what your feeling is extremely common. Marriage breeds a kind of complacency, and that hurdle not only has to be conquered, but demolished as well.
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