To the OP:

I am guessing that you missed out on the days when you could have been hip and trendy, hence the frothing at the mouth envy.

I'm not really sure what ride distance has to do with anything when it comes to safety, so perhaps 'fixxy ridas' shouldn't take your advice, as it appears to be misinformed.

I'm also not really sure what a 'touring setup' should make one assume, if anything at all, since you appear to dislike assumptions. Do people with racks on their bicycles where you live have to take a bicycles rules of the road test? Denver must be a weird place.

You sound like an angry person who has some pent up anger or frustration about one or more events that happened or didn't happen in your life. Perhaps you should talk with someone about it. This is of course a selfish recommendation, as I would prefer not to have angry people on the road with me.