Essentially I am an eating disordered person trying to find a life that works for me. Bicycling works for me, it makes me happy and satisfies a need to burn to calories and otherwise be active. I do not know if this is healthy or not.
I like bikes, I really do. I look at every bike I pass to know whether its a good bike or not, I know a lot about bikes that is completely useless knowledge in the long run (depending on what you're long run may or may not be), and I generally respect the joy bicycling gives a person. To be honest, a lot of the rides have not been fun, but more corrective (you must do this, as hard as you can, or you fail at life) sort of behavior.
I am essentially using bicycling as an excuse for bulimia and/or compulsive exercise, it seems.
And yes, I do hate myself for it.
Despite how I feel during the ride, after the ride I feel awesome, every time. That is why I keep training and riding. I generally like it. I feel free, even from all the negativity. I feel like nothing can touch me.
Then a car passes me and I feel like I have to haul.
I don't know what I'm doing and I don't have a life. Consider this my first drunk post/fail.
Base it is, I guess.