Well...the drunks whipping bottles on the road foiled my ride 0.6 miles in. The tire had a decent enough slice in it to render it acutely useless, but I'm wondering if anyone's "hacked" the way to patch an actual tire without a patch kit. Any help would be much appreciated!

depends on the circumstances and extent of the cut. For small cuts, a folded dollar bill works fine. If you're far from home, but can get to a store, things like duck tape, or cloth surgical tap can save larger cuts.

Many years ago on a tour, I taped together a 700c tire that was cut almost in half. I replaced the tube, pumped it enough to get shape, and taped tire and rim with surgical tape for about three inches to either side. I had to remove the brake shoes for safety, but it survived over 50 miles until I could replace it.

I saw a world-travelling cyclist fix a cut tire by making a kind of bandage with a strip he cut from the old tube and though there was a bump every time the bandage hit the road, he was able to reach a city about 20 km away and get a new tire. About tubes, I've heard people cut them at the hole and make a knot at each end, but never tried it myself.

Parks Tire Boots work.

with the cords cut the tire is trash.

A dollar bill makes a suitable tire 'boot'; however, no tire 'boot' should be used for much more than to get home or to another place to REPLACE the tire. once such a slice occurs the tire is simply not safe for long term use.

The second best boot material is a tyvek mailing envelope from the post office. I carry a 8" square of it all the time. It works well and doesn't weigh much.

The very best boot material was Nature Valley granola bar wrappers...the hard granola bar kind. It was a sandwich of aluminum foil, plastic and paper that was almost better than the tire it was used to fix. They don't make them that way any more. The only drawback was that you had to eat the granola bar