pricklycommute

Hey guys.

Last week I deviated a bit from my normal commute home to meet my wife for dinner at a local sandwich shop. Since I knew I wouldn't make it home in time, I made sure to bring my lighting system (Niterider 10W lead-acid halogen with 16-LED taillight). After dinner, I left to ride the 6-7 more miles home and fired up the lights. Every bump in the road they would turn off, until eventually it stayed off completely. Bad connection somewhere . So I ride toward home with no headlight, but fortunately I have a cheapy blinky for backup and turn that on.

I was kind of enjoying not having a light, especially when going through residential areas with very little traffic. Weather was perfect, beautiful stars, no cars. Then it hit me. That gurgling painful feeling of impending doom in my stomach. I know we have all had this feeling before, but this time it was worse, knowing that I had about 3 miles of uphill to go before the nearest toilet. So in between waves of stomach cramps, I rode as hard as a could just hoping to make it home in time. That just made it worse. Soon I decided to start scanning driveways looking for newspaper or something that I may need in just a few minutes, as well as any dark patches of desert I could fertilize. No luck. Eventually I just couldn't go any further without ruining a nice pair of shorts and having a very disgusting ride home. No real cover anywhere, so I ducked in the median of a residential street that had atleast a couple bushes around it. Just in time too. Unfortunately in my haste, I had tossed the bike down, and now the front and rear lights were back on and blazing just at the wrong time . The front one directly on me squatting with my shorts at my ankles. Fearing a passerby walking there dog or something, I waddled my way over to the bike and turned the damn lights off as quick as a could. A couple minutes later and feeling a lot better, I had to figure just what exactly I could "clean up" with. No broad leaf plants anywhere, couldn't find any newspapers a few minutes earlier, and no paper in my panniers. The one thing I did have was a pair of dress socks from work.

Now I carry toilet paper in my tool kit. I should really go back and atleast find the socks .

Dchiefransom

Better not go back. The cops might have a stake-out waiting for the perpetrator(percolator?) to return to the scene.

jbone

That's just wrong! But nice job thinking on spot.

huhenio

Turd terrorism!!!

rykoala

I could've gone all year without reading this post....

Mr_Super_Socks

what a great feeling that must have been!

on the other hand .. . . . . eewwwww.

slvoid

AHAHHAHAHAHA WHY WOULD YOU GO BACK FOR THE SOCKS?! WHY????

I always carry around 2 individually packaged wet-ones with me in my saddle bag. Additionally, my messenger bag always has 2 more packs of wet-ones along with 4 sheets of bounty, small bottle of hand sanitizer, patch kit, flash light, zip ties, extra batteries, and of course, 2 latex gloves.

oboeguy

Haha that's a good story. For short camping trips we pack these little mini-rolls of TP called "Charmin To Go". Handy, let me tell you. BYOTP when travelling! You're making me think I should do so for my commute too, though it's not like there are a lot places in NYC where... well, you get the idea. (FYI McDonalds is often a good place for a toilet in big cities -- but you may have to buy something first, the restroom is often locked!)

pricklycommute

AHAHHAHAHAHA WHY WOULD YOU GO BACK FOR THE SOCKS?! WHY????

Just to be considerate, that's all. I wouldn't want to find something like that while walking around the neighborhood. BTW, I like the wet-ones idea.

slvoid

You know, if you're gonna go back for the socks, you might as well go back for the turd.

Ok now, show of hands, how many people, after reading this, immedately grabbed a wad of paper towel and stuffed it into some pocket in their bags?

MaxBender

10W halogen, huh? So you had a headlight brighter than the sun illuminating the moon!

joejack951

I can't not comment after reading this. If anyone is familiar with the PA/DE area, I once had to make an emergency pitstop on the side of 476 south during rush hour. Obviously, this was in a car but the same kind of situation: I ate a huge dinner and as I'm finishing I get a call from a friend to come pick him up in Lansdale because he had car problems. My stomach was rumbling when I got there but I thought I could make it home. Nope. Luckily, I had old napkins in the car and was able to run up the hill on the side of the road to hide in the trees. For my next birthday I received some Charmin' To Go. I know, great story

LittleBigMan

What I don't understand is why it sometimes hits me about two minutes after I walk in the door after I get off the bike. All of a sudden, I have to go and nothing in the world is going to stop it.

What's up with that?

jyossarian

I got wet ones or whatever they are in my bag so I'm set as far as that goes. However, I'm not quite sure where to go au natural in midtown Manhattan. Then again, w/ McDonald's, Starbucks, libraries, etc., all over the place, it's not a problem.

egonlou

My issue is that it always occurs right after I put on my shorts to go riding. Two minutes after I put them on, beeline to the bathroom. Then I'm fine. My wife is amused by the whole thing.

thebarerider

I feel obligated to respond to this post.

I've had some problems with my stomache in the past while out running (never had too much trouble while riding). For a short stint this September I was getting up every morning at around 5 and running anywhere from 6-10 miles before classes began. However, every morning I would have to take a 'pit stop' on the side of the road -- any dark area sufficed -- and blast a duke. This happened so often last month it became natural for me.

But, one time this summer it was much, much worse. I was out on my first 7 mile run and as I approached the intersection to turn onto my street (I had one mile to go) the cramps shot forth like bursts of unwelcomed lightning. I clutched at my stomache and made horrible faces at cars that passed by, illustrating the point that I was in pain. I kept thinking, I can make it...I can make it....

I couldn't. And, as I was no where near any privacy, after I dropped the load in my pants (luckily I was wearing a pair of starter shorts with no underwear and this pair of shorts had a little thing that kept the offending defecation from drooping down my legs) I snuck behind these people's tool shed and took care of the mess (as well as I could) with my t-shirt.

I ran the rest of the mile and after making it home, knocked on the back door and had my mom come pamper me (I was tired, disgusted and very embarrassed). I cleaned up and went out to the front porch to pull myself together. Sweating, self-conscious and probably a tad bit smelly, I wanted nothing but to get away; I couldn't, however, as my girlfriend was staying with us at the time. She came out a few minutes later, perplexed as to when I returned. I casually said, just a minute ago.

I have yet to tell her about this.

Anyway, it really sucks having such stomache 'problems' but lately I have had no troubles.

oboeguy

No, really? And we thought your avatar was randomly chosen!

huhenio

Moist toilette wipes are the gift of the gods.

jyossarian

EEEWWWWWWWW!!!!