Vocalized about wanting to commute to work
03-04-12 | 01:44 PM
#26
Senior Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 6,144
Likes: 4
From: cherry hill, nj
I was really struggling with myself as to whether to chime in early and conserve valuable broadband resource or stay amused for a bit longer by discussion that is absolutely destined to run in circles. OK, here we go again, Mars-Venus moment.
Every single one of you has offered a SOLUTION. OK, so noted. When will Y-chromosomed folks understand that we are intelligent enough to see the solutions ourselves and offering another one comes across as patronizing?
What she needs is to VALIDATE her feelings, something along the lines "Honey, I would be worried too". And at least try to sound sincere. She puts up with aforementioned patronizing, she's gotta love you, that's why she is worried. While in the process of acknowledging her fears, try to abstain from offering reasons why it is safe. How to find the right words - well, it is time to exercise that muscle between your ears. Only chefisaac stumbled upon partial understanding how it is done.
Of course, there always is that strong silent way of doing things - heading into the traffic without saying a word and asking forgiveness is optional. Is anybody willing to venture a guess how many booty points this approach is doing to get?
chefisaac - C-
the rest - F
Class dismissed
SF
Every single one of you has offered a SOLUTION. OK, so noted. When will Y-chromosomed folks understand that we are intelligent enough to see the solutions ourselves and offering another one comes across as patronizing?
What she needs is to VALIDATE her feelings, something along the lines "Honey, I would be worried too". And at least try to sound sincere. She puts up with aforementioned patronizing, she's gotta love you, that's why she is worried. While in the process of acknowledging her fears, try to abstain from offering reasons why it is safe. How to find the right words - well, it is time to exercise that muscle between your ears. Only chefisaac stumbled upon partial understanding how it is done.
Of course, there always is that strong silent way of doing things - heading into the traffic without saying a word and asking forgiveness is optional. Is anybody willing to venture a guess how many booty points this approach is doing to get?
chefisaac - C-
the rest - F
Class dismissed
SF
Dont tell my wife that I partially understood. It would open up Pandoras box of feelings!
p.s. Can I hang my graded paper on the refrigerator?
03-04-12 | 05:12 PM
#28
Steel is real, baby!
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,532
Likes: 8
From: Boise, ID
Bikes: 1984 Pinarello, 1986 Bianchi Portofino, 1988 Bianchi Trofeo, 1989 Specialized Allez, 1989 Specialized Hard Rock, 2001 Litespeed Tuscany
When I started cycling, my wife worried.
I ignored her worrying and kept on cycling.
Now, 25+ years later, she doesn't worry. Or if she does, she doesn't say anything about it.
I ignored her worrying and kept on cycling.
Now, 25+ years later, she doesn't worry. Or if she does, she doesn't say anything about it.
03-04-12 | 06:10 PM
#30
Senior Member
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 756
Likes: 0
From: Southeast
Bikes: cyclotank
I will not tell your wife - what happens in BF, stays in BF. Of course, you can hang the paper on the refrigerator where missus won't see it. Or risk finding out that some doghouses come with basements.
03-04-12 | 06:17 PM
#32
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 203
Likes: 2
From: Fullerton, CA.
Bikes: 2015 Bianchi Volpe
If you're in the doghouse, you can spend more time working on your bike. You'll need to buy tools for that. And then, while you're at it, just build a really nice doghouse. ; )
03-04-12 | 07:05 PM
#34
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 194
Likes: 1
From: Houston
Actually, there is lots of great riding here. But to get away from generalities, if the OP can post (or PM might be better) his start & destination we could help with designing a good route. I commute 4-5 days a week and I got "credit" with the wife by showing her on the map what choices I had made, and why. Sometimes the quickest or most direct route isn't the safest. Those that don't ride can't imagine taking anything but the most direct way on the biggest roads. If you can show that you are avoiding them, you'll do a lot to ease her fears.
03-04-12 | 09:02 PM
#35
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 782
Likes: 0
Unless she's really paranoid, it's mostly the unknown. Once you start riding the route regularly, she will see that you come home safely & she'll get used to it. I do think it's wise to take extra precautions in the beginning to get her as comfortable as possible. Give her a call or text when you get to work & when you leave, so she can kind of know when to expect you. Make sure you wear a helmet, rearview mirror & maybe even some reflective gear (at least until you're out of sight of the house, LOL) Carry your cell phone, etc. Make sure you tell her how pleasant of a ride it was & how little traffic you encountered on your new route. Never complain at home about jackass drivers you might encounter.
03-04-12 | 11:08 PM
#38
Senior Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 600
Likes: 0
From: Los Angeles, CA
Bikes: All-City Space Horse!
03-05-12 | 12:48 AM
#39
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 117
Likes: 0
Just do it. Their's really nothing you can say or do to change the situation. She'll be mad and a bit worried but after a bit, it'll be like turning the ignition and driving off to work, she'll say nothing about it. Well, that's what I did and it worked. Good luck on what ever path you take. Stand tall soldier.
03-05-12 | 01:16 AM
#40
Bike ≠ Car ≠ Ped.
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 13,863
Likes: 6
From: Washington, DC
Bikes: Some bikes. Hell, they're all the same, ain't they?
I honestly don't understand her reason behind that thought. I had a motorcycle and sold it to get my mountain bike. I even told her that I am not wanting to stop motorcycling, but I choose cycling over motorcycles. She was thrilled, all excited that "she won't have to worry about me anymore". She was constantly worried about my making it to my destination safely when I had the motorcycle.
My bet is that she's worried about the other traffic on the road. The motorcycle worried her because that's where you use it -- on the road among cars and trucks. The mountain bike wasn't as much of an issue because you'd use it off-road (whether you actually do or not). Now you're talking about sharing the road with motor vehicles again.
Valid concern, I'd say, if I view it like that.
03-05-12 | 05:53 AM
#41
Tortoise Wins by a Hare!
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 7,393
Likes: 945
From: Looney Tunes, IL
Bikes: Wabi Special FG, Raleigh Roper, Nashbar AL-1, Miyata One Hundred, '70 Schwinn Lemonator and More!!
Just drive to your girlfriends house and then jump on the bike. 
I'm hoping teacher makes me stay after class for this wisecrack!
I'm hoping teacher makes me stay after class for this wisecrack!
Last edited by AlmostTrick; 03-05-12 at 06:06 AM.
03-05-12 | 06:52 AM
#42
On a Mission from God
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,009
Likes: 5
From: Thibodaux, LA
Bikes: '10 Surly LHT, Rat-rod Klunker, '82 Peugeot PH12 Centennial
You think she's worried now, try actually getting hit and hospitalized, and then asking to go back to it! 
This is why I no longer commute, not because I don't want to.
Fear is irrational. If she doesn't ride, she won't understand.
This is why I no longer commute, not because I don't want to.Fear is irrational. If she doesn't ride, she won't understand.
03-05-12 | 07:00 AM
#43
Senior Member
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 8,896
Likes: 7
From: Raleigh, NC
Bikes: Waterford RST-22, Bob Jackson World Tour, Ritchey Breakaway Cross, Soma Saga, De Bernardi SL, Specialized Sequoia
My wife was concerned about my safety while bike commuting until I drove her on the route I take to work and back. I have deliberately chosen a route that avoids most busy streets with a lot of traffic, and she felt much better after seeing that most of my route is on neighborhood streets and lightly traveled roads. I also wear neon-yellow jerseys, jackets and vests most of the time, and my bike has 3 tail-lights and 2 headlights, so visibility is not an issue. To be honest, I am probably more concerned about her than vice versa, because she is a very distracted driver and tends to tailgate, talk on her cell phone and other bad habits.
03-05-12 | 07:09 AM
#44
Senior Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 437
Likes: 3
From: Chicago, IL
Bikes: Surly Steamroller FG, Trek 800 SS MTB, Omega Tandem Sport
The easiest and best way (if I do say myself):
A big part of it is the unknown, you have not done this before so she has no frame of reference. So, start slow to introduce the lifestyle:
-Ride once per week, leaving well before traffic gets heavy in the morning and work late at night to avoid rush hour. These are the least dangerous time to ride so she should be less worried by you riding at these times.
Now for the bait and switch. Once she has become comfortable with riding a little, start adding days, start riding during rush hours, build up to riding every day at whatever times you want. She will get comfortable with time and less worried.
After a long time the argument no longer is "cars are more dangerous" and becomes "I know what to do to be safe".
A big part of it is the unknown, you have not done this before so she has no frame of reference. So, start slow to introduce the lifestyle:
-Ride once per week, leaving well before traffic gets heavy in the morning and work late at night to avoid rush hour. These are the least dangerous time to ride so she should be less worried by you riding at these times.
Now for the bait and switch. Once she has become comfortable with riding a little, start adding days, start riding during rush hours, build up to riding every day at whatever times you want. She will get comfortable with time and less worried.
After a long time the argument no longer is "cars are more dangerous" and becomes "I know what to do to be safe".
03-05-12 | 07:18 AM
#45
Senior Member
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 352
Likes: 0
From: Pittsburgh, PA
Bikes: BiknBrian brand custom 26 inch commuter trekker, Cannondale F600 Single Speeded MTB, Nashbar Cro-Mo CX, some other bikes and parts that could be made into bikes.
I would not let her fears dictate the things that you can and can't do. I would not let it degenerate into and endless debate. I would not validate any of her emotions that I did not want to reinforce
I would also understand that this could be about control of the relationship. Can she make you do what she wants you to do? Will you validate her fears with a repsonse, any repsonse? I'd also understand that it didn't necessarily make her a bad person overall. Just one little area that could be improved in order to be capable of a more fair and mutually productive relationship.
I'd try to explain that she had to give me more than just an emotional response, a predicatable reaction. I'd explain that I'd be open to constructive criticism, with the emphasis on constructive. If I had to I'd tell her that she wasn’t really helping me, she wasn’t giving me anything I hadn’t already considered.
I would also understand that this could be about control of the relationship. Can she make you do what she wants you to do? Will you validate her fears with a repsonse, any repsonse? I'd also understand that it didn't necessarily make her a bad person overall. Just one little area that could be improved in order to be capable of a more fair and mutually productive relationship.
I'd try to explain that she had to give me more than just an emotional response, a predicatable reaction. I'd explain that I'd be open to constructive criticism, with the emphasis on constructive. If I had to I'd tell her that she wasn’t really helping me, she wasn’t giving me anything I hadn’t already considered.
03-05-12 | 08:30 AM
#46
On the lam
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 7,470
Likes: 96
From: The Village
I have talked to a number of persons who were seriously injured and hospitalized from car collisions, and yet their spouses still let them drive to work. Go figure.
03-05-12 | 10:06 AM
#47
Descends like a rock
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,034
Likes: 16
From: Fort Worth, TX
Bikes: Scott Foil, Surly Pacer
I was really struggling with myself as to whether to chime in early and conserve valuable broadband resource or stay amused for a bit longer by discussion that is absolutely destined to run in circles. OK, here we go again, Mars-Venus moment.
Every single one of you has offered a SOLUTION. OK, so noted. When will Y-chromosomed folks understand that we are intelligent enough to see the solutions ourselves and offering another one comes across as patronizing?
What she needs is to VALIDATE her feelings, something along the lines "Honey, I would be worried too". And at least try to sound sincere. She puts up with aforementioned patronizing, she's gotta love you, that's why she is worried. While in the process of acknowledging her fears, try to abstain from offering reasons why it is safe. How to find the right words - well, it is time to exercise that muscle between your ears. Only chefisaac stumbled upon partial understanding how it is done.
Of course, there always is that strong silent way of doing things - heading into the traffic without saying a word and asking forgiveness is optional. Is anybody willing to venture a guess how many booty points this approach is doing to get?
chefisaac - C-
the rest - F
Class dismissed
SF
Every single one of you has offered a SOLUTION. OK, so noted. When will Y-chromosomed folks understand that we are intelligent enough to see the solutions ourselves and offering another one comes across as patronizing?
What she needs is to VALIDATE her feelings, something along the lines "Honey, I would be worried too". And at least try to sound sincere. She puts up with aforementioned patronizing, she's gotta love you, that's why she is worried. While in the process of acknowledging her fears, try to abstain from offering reasons why it is safe. How to find the right words - well, it is time to exercise that muscle between your ears. Only chefisaac stumbled upon partial understanding how it is done.
Of course, there always is that strong silent way of doing things - heading into the traffic without saying a word and asking forgiveness is optional. Is anybody willing to venture a guess how many booty points this approach is doing to get?
chefisaac - C-
the rest - F
Class dismissed
SF
03-05-12 | 10:06 AM
#48
Descends like a rock
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,034
Likes: 16
From: Fort Worth, TX
Bikes: Scott Foil, Surly Pacer
03-05-12 | 10:52 AM
#49
On a Mission from God
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,009
Likes: 5
From: Thibodaux, LA
Bikes: '10 Surly LHT, Rat-rod Klunker, '82 Peugeot PH12 Centennial
Maybe some day I'll get to go back to it. Hopefully I'll be self-employed by then, and I won't have to anymore.
03-05-12 | 11:45 AM
#50
Rider of the Storm
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 94
Likes: 0
From: Sunnyvale, CA
Bikes: 1974 Motobecane Grand Touring, 1986 Trek 850
I told my girlfriend my plans on commuting, and she was very supportive. Even encouraging, also a little jealous because she needs her car for her job, and wishes she could to..