If you cant handle it,leave. It wont bother him,he's riding. Shoot,i have 2 girls and still worked and they are now 17 and 19 and i would say,between friends and parents,they had a babysitter no more then 5 times if that.

I kinda had the opposite situation but it certainly could apply to you. My wife got into cardio kickboxing which was good for her but she ended up doing workouts 5-6 days a week and other administrative things around the Karate school. I got tired of her talking about kickboxing and the school so I got back into cycling after not having cycled for 6 years.
Now she talks about her kickboxing and I have something to bore her with too... we're balanced and not needy of each other.

I guess I also had a simular situation, my ex fiance was into cops, I didnt have to give her an ultimatum, I left and the cop moved in before the sheets were cold... :mad:

Have you ever considered the benefits of a cycling boyfriend.

Better health and fitness. More endurance for those intimate moments. Slim and generally better looking than the typical out of shape blob. These things will probably stay with him for a lifetime as most cyclists keep cycling as long as physically able.

Perhaps an out of shape fat beer drinking slob with unhealthy habits sounds better? He will have plenty of time to sit and watch movies and eat popcorn with you.

Do him a favor, leave him, move out, and let one us cycle chicks pick him up.
Really, just tell him that you can't handle this new hobby. Either he'll give it up, get fat, and smother you; or he'll cut back on cycling and pay more attention to you; or he could tell you that he simply won't change.

Why do you want to marry someone who is "boring you" or neglecting you anyway? Courtship is the time when you decide if this is the person to you want to be with forever. Why be with someone you have to change or manipulate into being who you want? Do you really want to marry someone you have to nag into changing (to the point of going so dramatic as to post on his message board)? 2-6 hours a day isn't bad. I'm guessing he's probably riding 2-3 hours weekdays and a longer on weekends. Perhaps you should give him this one b/c most couples spend 6 hours a night in front of the TV, not speaking to each other, anyway.

You probably spend more time than he rides worried and being angry about his new "obsession." Chill out.

I don't think a lot of people are telling her to dump him- rather, it's more about seeing that there's a problem here and telling both of them that they need some help.

It's obvious here that there's a lack of communication- and if they can't communicate one on one, it's time for some counselling. To be fair, if what she states to be his schedule is correct, that's a lot of time spent on cycling, and not a lot of time spent on couple stuff. I mean, if he were a professional cyclist, that is one thing, but this is a recreational sporting activity that seems borderline obsessive.

She looks like she's just there for the booty call, to be frank.

I don't even think she's asking for him to cut out all cycling. I certainly didn't see that. It looks like she's asking for some down time from the cycling stuff where she can have some relationship time with him. I'm sure she's grateful he's not some beer-bellied, slovenly, sloppy, lazy, good-for-nothing. If that were so, she'd say "Why can't he be more like some beer-bellied, slovenly, sloppy, lazy, good-for-nothing and spend some time sitting around with me doing nothing but gaze in my eyes in wonderous amazement and do nothing but watch the O channel with me?". Instead, she sounds like someone who just feels as though the cycling is interfering with their relationship, and I think she has a right to be concerned, especially after this statement:
If this is his day, I cannot see how it is possible that there is any quality time for interaction, seeing as though he rides the mornings, so she doesn't see him then, lunches too, so there's no interaction time there, then comes home in the evening and has dinner, then gets on bikeforums or works on his bike. Other than the physical meals, I don't see where there's time for social interaction.

I'm not sure what's up with this guy- why he feels the need to suddenly (maybe not very suddenly, but just over a short period of time) and completely envelope his life with cycling, cycling, cycling. I'm not sure what this guy is missing in his life to where he's replaced social interaction and other activities with cycling and cycling related activites. I'd have to know how long this transformation took place, what he did before cycling took over his life and his relationship(s), and what he really feels he gets out of cycling. This doesn't mean I think he should totally give up cycling- I just think there has to be a limit to any hobby, especially if it's affecting your home life and the people around you that you purport to care so much for.

Seriously, if my sig. other told me that the cycling was getting in the way of the relationship, I wouldn't give it up, but I would certainly stop and think about his needs there and try to take up some of his hobbies, invite him into my cycling and make damn sure he found it enjoyable, even if it meant forgoing riding as fast as my buddies, and find some common ground with him by doing some "us" things together. I'd also cut back enough to where it wasn't just about me either- no relationship should ever be just about one person and their likes and needs, while the other person sits on the sidelines.

My 2 cents.

Koffee

Oh... and one last thing-

No matter what you do, life is about having BALANCE. If you don't have that, you're just teetering over the edge, and it's not going to take much to come along and push you to the ground either. That doesn't sound healthy to me, and I don't know of anyone that doesn't advocate a healthy, balanced lifestyle with whatever they decide to do with their lives.

Koffee

A) You edited. I don't know if the more angry version counts. :p

B) 2- 6 hours a day of any type of exercise is too much. I give him a year before some kind of chronic overuse injury sets in, and then where will he be? No bike, no fiance, no life. Good luck with that.

C) You are right, in that if she has to nag him into doing anything, maybe she won't be happy married to him- hence the counselling tips that a lot of people suggested.

D) How do you know that before the cycling, they were spending 6 hours a night in front ofthe TV not speaking much to begin with? From the sounds of it, he sounded like a pretty good guy until he got obsessed (overly) with the cycling and ceased communicating with her, which leads to my last point:

E) If she can't even get his attention unless she gets on bikeforums and posts about it, this is pretty dramatic- that's what makes the situation so bad- communicating with your loved one through a forum thread is one serious sign that he's on here waaaaaaaaay too much! ;) :D :p I'm actually half serious about this one!

Koffee

I agree with Koffee

I don't know . . . 2-6 hours a day doesn't sound like that much to me!

What are you doing during those 2-6 hours a day when he's off cycling? What hobbies/sports etc. do you like to do? Hopefully, you've got a life too! When you two get together, do you discuss your hobbies with him, too?

A healthy relationship needs some time apart - you can't be glued to each other side all the time.

But here's my question: does he really want a relationship? If he really is spending a lot of time cycling (and I mean more than 2-6 hours a day!!), thinking about cycling, discussing cycling etc., and if he thinks you're over-reacting when you talk to him about his cycling habits, and doesn't want to change, perhaps it is an escape for him. Perhaps you two need to have a serious discussion if you really want the relationship to continue.

I can tell you this - if you constantly nag him about his cycling . . . he'll choose the cycling over you.

Break his legs...

My girlfriend's italian, she'll help you out...

what do i do during this time?
working, studying for school, spending time with some of my close girlfriends... various things.

what would i want to be doing? spending time with my man.

i don't care about the fact that his body is fit because he rides a bike. his body was fit BEFORE he rode a bike. having a nice body is not enough to win me over.

my problem is, I didn't get engaged to a cyclist. this just happened within the past year.

i'm not about to "give him up" to cyclist women just because he wants to cycle.

i'll speak to him tomorrow morning about counseling, this needs to be fixed. i know this is a relationship that can be fixed. i don't want him to quit cycling, i just want him to tone it down a bit. maybe cycling just 4 days a week, or maybe each day yet half the hours...

i don't care if it's "in his blood", obsessions of any form are not healthy when they're ruining important things.

i originally came to look for advice, not have a majority tell me to take up cycling with him (which i can't do most of the time due to his fast-paced club rides) and stop being jealous.

as mentioned before with the sewing example, i'm a seamstress, and i certainly don't see him picking THAT up for many hours of the day, why should I pick up cycling? i'm not interested

what would i want to be doing? spending time with my man.

Doing what?

i don't care if it's "in his blood", obsessions of any form are not healthy when they're ruining important things.

What if he thinks cycling is one of those "important things", and that you're trying to ruin that?

why should I pick up cycling? i'm not interested

Makes me wonder how interested you really are in him if cycling is a part of his life now.

(Just a few things to think about)

Cyclistgf...I hope I can reply without getting preachy.. Our significant other just would hope that you would give his obsession a try..That is all.. You will not even try out something so vital to the other, then that is unfair to you both...As long as you try it and don't like it - then that is another matter.. Have you been fair and give it a try?
Now, if he does not want you to try it out with him, he won't change some kind of racing style in order for you to give it a try with him, then I am in your court.
I would love to have my wife join me.. I would gladly change the kinds of rides I go on to introduce her to my thing..In fact if she does not, I am really disappointed.We are both francophiles..I want to ride across the south of France with her..
If you then don't like it that is another matter. While he does his cycling thing, then you need get a hobby to fill in that free time...He can compromise some too, so parts of your free days together are preserved. If you don't like the actual cycling, you could accept his new cycling friends socially, thus enhancing your life and still be a part of his cylcing world..
As to your being unable to accept his love of cycling and it causes him to change some life long goal and you are jealous of his time( as long as he still loves you and not ignores you) then maybe it is best you break up.. As an earlier person said, there are plenty of biker chics who will grab him up. Healthy athletic males are in demand?
My wife knows I am preparing to cross either North America or Australia.. I do not ignore her by any means, but if she interfers with that goal, I will not be worth living with..
I mention quilting..That is what she likes to do while I am out on the bike...She has many scraps of cloth, she inherited from her family..This gives her time to work on her projects.
She also belongs to a quilting club...
I sometimes want to do things on her quilting nights, but that she has to attend..It is important to her,so I have no right to interfere.
We can all have our own space, yet be couple..
Part of my passion evolves from my first wife. She was bored with my scuba.. She felt it unsafe and I gave it up for 8 whole years.. Almost a decade of something I love - wiped out of my life.. She had no right. Don't know how we made it the 10 years... Unfair and it ended in divorce anyway.. Each much respect the others space, if you can't share in that space.

Too many posts to read through, so I'm not sure if this question was asked: "What got him obsessed about biking in the first place?" If you understand the cause of his obsession, then I would think you'll have a better understanding of how to approach your situation.

I agree with Koffee...2-6 hours every day is too much. If anything, he needs to learn the term "cross training". Not only the body, but the mind as well.

I'm a triathlete, and can be labeled somewhat obsessive about my training, but we tone it down during the off season to give our bodies and minds a rest.

It seems to me you love your fiance very much to enter this forum and seek advice. That's a great step in understanding what drives us...and it's different for everyone.

However, you're entitled to be happy too. If your fiance isn't delivering, then it's time to cut your losses. Hopefully you'll be able to know when that is before it's too late.

Just remember...don't let him bring you down with the financial ship.

You can get him to see that biking should be a way for him to just get a little more out of life, it shouldn't BE life.
Get him to see there's other things in life too. Most importantly get him to compromise.
He doesn't necessairly have to take up sewing or knitting or whatever as a whacko compulsive obsessive hobby and neither do you with biking.
The reason why I and most people here say it's nice if you biked (a little) is that it'll help put you closer to him in terms of something he'll understand. Right now, it's obvious that he doesn't understand you. You can however, use his biking as a vehicle in which to convey your feelings.
Show him that you're willing to make the first step by crossing over to his side a little bit but also show him that you can do so reasonably without becoming completely obsessed about it and he should be able to see that and do the same.
Not all of the opinions around here are agreeable with what you ultimately see as an end goal since there are a lot of people here who are complete fanatics about biking so of course they'll tell you either get with the program or get loss. It's a bikeforum and that's expected (go to head-fi.org and you see people plunking down $4000 easy on a pair of headphones and an amp). However, not all of us are as into it as others. You just have to show a little interest in order to connect with him better and hopefully be able to pull him back on your side a little.

Or break his legs. Tonya harding style, back of the knees ;)

BTW: Nothing wrong with a man sewing. I know how to use a sewing machine. I can also tear one apart and put it back together or build one. It's not like I'm telling the world about my doll collection.

A quid pro quo.
 

Slvoid..I agree compromise is crucial to a marriage..I have several cycling friends..Their wifes do not bike.Some do..
The ones that don't accept their spouses need of cycling. If one is really a super competitive triathlete, she/he can't compromise to very much.
It is just the non-cycling wifes I know have become a part of her spouses cycling world and don't seem to resent their weekend warrior syndrome.
If one's goal is to cross the United States on a bike, that is not an obsession but a needed goal..Something one need brag about on one's death bed.. Something so important can't be messed with..no matter how valued that partner is. There still can be time for each other..

cyclistgf,
His cycling will fade a bit in the second year. Cycling, especially competitive cycling, is a real bug and you do get addicted.
It will fade down to a more reasonable level and you can either accept that he has found something he is passionate about or leave him. Better the bike than another woman right?

It's addicting because he is hitting new goals and improving fast, especially in the first year of cycling.

It will even out and sometimes people burn out on it all together.

But face it, cycling takes alot of time and partners in relationships have the same problem with golfers or any other hobby.

Cyclistgirlfriend.....identify your fiance for us. We'd like to hear his side of the story now...

George

I speak as one of those cycling-addicts who is not in a relationship, the 2-6 hours a day thing applies for me on weekends and probably would through the week if work didn't get in the way (or if my ride to work was just a little longer). Every holiday I've taken in the last three years has been a cycling-tour, two days off the bike makes me nervous and short-tempered, so I think I know where the situation might be coming from.

I think the question that has to be asked here is whether the fiancee really wants a relationship or not. Let's be honest here, it is possible to be happily single, despite what some may think. And not everybody who gets into a relationship is desperate to keep the thing going at all costs - one only has to look at divorce rates these days to see that. It took me a long time to realise that I liked the freedom of being single - maybe this guy has only realised that after getting into a relationship.

Couselling simply wouldn't be an option if this guy is anything like me simply because to work it requires commitment, and I'm not sure that's going to be there. What if he just tells the counsellor there isn't a problem? Or simply refuses to go? One thing is sure - nobody likes constantly being nagged about anything. If anyone nagged me about cycling (or anything else for that matter), I'd be on my way in no time.

CyclistGF, do not take this as an attack on you, for it is not meant that way at all, the whole thing probably isn't even your fault. I just think this is a situation that needs an injection of realism, that's the way the guy is. What you need to work out is whether you believe he is really interested or not, and whether you're prepared to accept the way he is. If not, perhaps you're better off to find somebody else better suited to your needs.

You asked for advice and that's what you received. Judging from the number of replies and the length of those replies, people cared enough to let you know what they thought and offered their support. They shared personal experiences in hopes that this would help your situation. It would have been nice to see you show some gratitude.

This is a bike forum and you should have expected some of it's members to give advice to take up "cycling with him." Are you sure you weren't looking for validation rather than advice?

It appears from the sound of your reply that you already have the answer to your situation. He needs to "tone it down"-period.

My husband is a drummer. His whole reason for living is music. Do I share his passion, No. I go with him each time he plays a new gig, or is in a new band. We have been married 27 years. He has band practice about 2-3 times per week at our house. After about 4 years, he was going to quit his good government job to go on tour with a group. I knew it was his dream. I told him to take the chance, because once we bought our home in the suburbs and had children, I would need his income to meet the house payment. For whatever reason, he did not go on tour. Music is still his passion. I know he loves me and is committed to me, but I know my place, and would never restrict the amount of time he spends in practice nights and recovery nights. I developed my own interests. My interests have always been in sports. He first introduced me to cycling on the bike paths about 3 years ago. I am now the bicycling fanatic. My passion for cycling has not diminished. In fact, I would love to quit my job and cycle across the the continent. It is all I can do to stay at my job for another 8 years and retire. If you are having trouble this early in your relationship, you will always have trouble in this area. People who are passionate about a hobby/sport remain passionate but their hobbies/sports may change. I believe you will always want more from him than he is willing to give. You need someone who shares the same level of emotional dependency and quality time that you require and DESERVE. I think this is a serious problem that will not go away. Many runners have divorced their spouses. I see many cyclists both male and female who have non-cycling spouses. There are different ways to handle it. I used to ride by myself, but my husband didn't feel it was safe. He prefers that I ride with someone. Usually I ride with men. There are several that I go on week-long trips with and others for weekends or day trips. One guy I ride with cycles with me during the day, then gets a motel room with his wife. We leave early in the morning. By the time she wakes up, eats and drives to the next city, we are there waiting for her. She gets a quality vacation. Sleeping in, a day at the pool, then her husband to have dinner with and an evening together. I get someone to cycle with, and then a peaceful evening by myself. Works great.

Hang in there cyclistgf. I, too, tend to become obsessed when I get into a new hobby. When I first took up flyfishing I was gone almost every weekend for the first 8 months I did it. I eventually got to a competency level I was comfortable with and now it is just a hobby. Biking is a little more than just a hobby for me, I try to integrate it into my life when I can. My wife and I take the kids, meet some friends whose husband also bikes, and us guys trailer the kids and ride our pace while the wives ride and chat at a pace thats comfortable for them. Afterwards we all settle down for a picnic. This is just an illustration that cycling doesn't have to be an excluding kind of thing, with some thought and experimentation you can probably find a way to integrate it into your relationship. Counseling would undoubtedly help, but he probably won't be spending this much time on cycling forever. I think his dismissal of your concern is something to worry about, but still I think the over indulgence will fade given time. The question you need to ask yourself is this; How much of your life are you willing to gamble waiting to see if the present situation changes? I wish you luck.

So if you don't want to listen to us I am betting you don't listen to him either. Just because you don't think it is important does not mean he does not.

He will be better off without you to interfere with his goals and his future health benefits. Do HIM the favor of leaving so he can find a better partner who shares his passions and respects him.

I feel sorry for this guy having to deal with you already. Maybe he will come to his senses and tell you to take a hike. :(

Just an observation but does any one else notice the amounts of "I don't want..." or "I don't care ..." in her posts?

My take on it is that she is frustrated because she has lost some control over him or he got tired of having to deal with her and cycling is his way of saying I don't want to deal with you right now, I need some space.

People are always going to change and if you plan on having a loving lasting relationship with them then you will also have to change. If every thing stayed the same it wopuld get boring. Now if they cheat or lie to you that is one thing but if you love and tust them and they you every thing will work out.

:beer: