Like I have already said, this guy does not need this headgame crap and should dump her immediately.

Doesn't matter......he married the bike...

George

2-6 hrs a day maybe the dude should get a job :D

I'm wondering about that 2-6 hour per day figure that we keep bringing up. For most of the year, four days a week, I'll meet my training partner for a ride before work. I leave the house at 6:15, meet him at 6:30, we ride for 60-90 minutes, and then I go to the office at 8. In the evenings, if I go directly home, it takes 15 minutes, which by my watch makes 2 hours on the bike a day.

(On a nice summer day, I can take the long way home and be out until 8pm, for another two hours.)

The thing is that it certainly doesn't seem excessive or obsessive to me. I was commuting by bike anyway and now I'm just combining my workout into it. And my wife, not being a morning person, barely misses me during this part of the day. It's all part of fitting it in with the other aspects of life.

Anyway, my 2 cents: The girlfriend should find something she enjoys as much as he enjoys cycling.

She didn't give him any credit.

Traitor, dude. It's traitor.

And don't be lame. Sex is an equal-opportunity obssesion.

What does that mean? Sex in advance that he will have to repay her for later? Kinda a deposit on future dinners and movies.

[QUOTE=emgNH]Traitor, dude. It's traitor.

Traitor - 1: One who betrays another's trust or is false to an obligation or duty.
2: One who commits treason.

Trader - 1: A person who trades. 2: A ship engaged in trade.

LOL good eye emgNH

The original poster could have meant trader, as in, the fiance traded sex with his girlfriend for cycling time :D .

That would be a fair trade :D

Sam-I was trying to catch the tread before it went south; however, I could go with your interpretation of my comment, too.

I suspect she exageraes..6 hours a day.. I ride 8,000 a year and probably ride about 20 hours a week.. Maybe the dude is a courier?

This topic interests me a bit because in my situation I was the cyclist (still am) and my ex-husband (oops, I gave away the ending of the story!) was the non-cyclist.

We were having trouble in our relationship (among other things, he had no interest in exercise/cycling/fitness/nutrition/etc.) and it got to the point where I really didn't want to spend a lot of time at home - it just angered and depressed me. So my cycling mileages increased, and I spent as much time as I could out cycling. I felt so free when I was on my own, sailing down the road, feeling the wind in my face, going wherever I wanted to go! It was wonderful.

Interestingly, right after my ex and I separated, my mileages went down for a few weeks . . . because I didn't mind being at home anymore. (Of course, since then I discovered Randonneuring and my mileage have increased again, but that's probably more because I finally can cycle whenever and however long I wanted without being bothered about it.)

It makes me wonder if this situation is similar - if the cyclist in this situation is trying to escape, and feels freer when he's out cycling. Maybe he doesn't know how to confront the situation. Maybe he's sort of hoping this girl will eventually just pack up and go away, and he won't have to deal with it. Of course, I don't know if this is true or not, but it might be a good idea for the couple to sit down and have a chat.

She said 2-6. If he's training, he probably rides 2 hours a day 4 days a week, 6 hours on a Saturday, and maybe 4 hours on a Sunday. Total: 18 hours.

That's really not that much!
Suppose he heads out between 6:30 and 8:30 pm, after supper - there's still the bulk of the evening left.
Then on Saturday, if he heads out between 9:00 am and 3:00 pm to ride a century, he's still around for the late afternoon and evening, if she wants to go out.
And on Sunday, if he heads out again at 9:00 am and returns around 1:00 pm - there's most of the day left.

I'm not sure what she's complaining about.

I think he should dump her

I think Cyclistgf and boyfriend need to go their separate ways...

Machka - I'm going through the same thing now, I'm just behind you a bit. As our relationship fell apart, I rediscovered my interest in cycling and started spending more time in the saddle. I rode a lot in high school and college. But after college, I just did one charity event a year. I spent about 3 months each year getting ready for the charity ride, and she thought that was too much. Our relationship fell apart for many reasons other than cycling, but lack of a healthy, active lifestyle was a factor. Now I'm putting in more miles than ever and realizing just how unhappy I've been - I'm loving life again! The divorce should be final soon...

There is an old saying. You don't grow together, you grow apart.
Together can mean allowing each other to follow their interests, compromise, yet share what you have in common. Sex alone will not keep a couple together.
It would be ideal for all to meet in commonly held interests, so that you start out from a common starting point.
Upon being divorced years ago, that was the advice given me.. Follow your interests and from there you will meet the special person with which you have something in common. No one should terminate that thing that makes them happy. The significant other can't accept that, he/she does not love you all that much.

Lance say’s that it’s not about the bike and I believe this holds true for this problem. From the information given, one could make the argument that the core issue has to do with control. I believe that this problem goes deeper than one person’s obsession and another person’s concern for the other overdoing it. She may be demanding of his attention and he is feeling suffocated and is spending more time on the bike to find some breathing room. We don’t know because she only gives her side of the story.

If he truly has an obsession, then the worst thing to do is expect or demand an immediate change. This will only compound the problem even further. If she really wants to help him overcome his obsession, it would be advantageous to understand the problem, figure out the reason and then find a solution. Conversely, she expresses no empathy and is focused only on her feelings as indicated in her following comments; “i don't care if it's ‘in his blood’”, “I didn't get engaged to a cyclist” and “why should I pick up cycling? i'm not interested.” With self-centered comments like these, I agree with her, their “relationship won’t last much longer.”

Let’s face it folks, they are at an impasse. Several people expressed their own personal stories of how they ride many hours a day and still have quality time with their spouse/significant other. While others expressed how their passion to ride clashed and even ended their marriage/relationship. This is not what she wanted to hear. From the tone of her last post and the fact that she no longer posts, she’s only interested in one thing – he needs to change - and from her ultimatum statement he’ll probably leave if she doesn’t understand his “passion.” Therefore, it’s not about the bike; it’s about control.

Since cycling is in our blood, I do not think it unreasonable to expect, maybe even demand, a significant other to at least try out your passionate interests.
I would.. Not to say I would take up quilt making, my wife's interest; but I darn well take interest in it and attend quilting functions where the members extended family are invited..
Just the fact a person is unwilling just give it a try, before they reject it, would get me really steamed. Afterwards, I might be willing to forgo a Saturday moring ride should something important come up..But just to sit about the house and read the paper and hang together; when such could be done later.
I am outta here.

Revenig, that's exactly how I felt, but posted directly to her. I was, however, reprimanded for my direct word choices from several posters. I just have no patience for whiny controlling manipulative persons. I could recognize her need to control and be coddled from the initial post. I hope they split, and she finds an equally controlling person. Then, they could lock each other in the house.

I'm with you sm266, two control freaks in a closet togather sounds great. Then perhaps she would learn it is she that is being the PITA.

Does not look as if she has posted recently so she must be mad because she got less sympathy than she demands.

This entire post saddens me, and maybe because I have been on both sides of the situation. I have been the obsessed one, focusing solely on my cycling and classes as a way to avoid having to deal with the real problem in my relationship. But I also know the pain of losing someone. I don't think she is trying to be manipulative or controlling out of maliciousness. I think the reason she is clinging to him and blames his interest is because she is really afraid of losing him. To have someone pull away from you makes you cling more, which in turn makes them pull away even harder.

Learning to let someone go and be happy if you really love them is a difficult lesson to learn. I also think that some of what was posted was more in defense of cycling (and I can understand it because we get attacked a lot for our love of the sport and get asked to justify it) then in truly being helpful. To have someone tell you to dump your man so they can have him are fighting words in my book. I wouldn't post again either, and if I did I would be just as snippy as she was.

I don't know, maybe I have been away from the forum for too long and I am out of touch. I may also be reading into what she wrote because it reminded me of experiences I have had not so long ago. The bottom line is that they are the only people who really know what is going on, and I hope that they are able to work it out in a way that allows both of them some peace.

Just my .02

Find a hobby you like!
 

My husband loves to hunt. He lives for hunting. I took up cycling. Try finding a hobby you like to do while he's riding. That's what I did. He's not physically active. That's what I like to do. I joined the gym. What do you like to do? If its ceramics or knitting, do it. I look forward now when he goes hunting. I get some time to myself, to do what I like. Then when we get back together, we talk about our hobbies.

Matire people need not cling.
 

[QUOTE=cyclochica]This entire post saddens me, and maybe because I have been on both sides of the situation. I have been the obsessed one, focusing solely on my cycling and classes as a way to avoid having to deal with the real problem in my relationship. But I also know the pain of losing someone. I don't think she is trying to be manipulative or controlling out of maliciousness. I think the reason she is clinging to him and blames his interest is because she is really afraid of losing him. To have someone pull away from you makes you cling more, which in turn makes them pull away even harder.

Learning to let someone go and be happy if you really love them is a difficult lesson to learn. I also think that some of what was posted was more in defense of cycling (and I can understand it because we get attacked a lot for our love of the sport and get asked to justify it) then in truly being helpful. To have someone tell you to dump your man so they can have him are fighting words in my book. I wouldn't post again either,

Cyclochica...I can relate to this because my first wife forced me to leave scuba diving. I don't think a healthy relationship controls all aspects of the others' life. Instead it should respect the needs of both..
My first wife was sort of a loner, did not like extensive social situations...What she had a mild case of demophobia,I guess...Connecting with my congenial friends at the dive club and dive outings was exactly what she needed..Very supportive group..Nice parties..Unprentious people.. To think I lost out on a needed activity for a decade..Guess I forgive her..She could not help it. The times we went I thought was fun for us both. She enjoyed the ceviche and wine at the post hotel dive parties.I just could not understand...
When the us in us smothers the me in each of us, then there are problems...Can't talk it out or seek help, you can't let a relationship make one miserable.
Cyclists gf. We should understand her need to cling, but she need understand, his doing his thing for 20 hours a week leaves them still 268 hours for themselves.To not understand that, one is insecure.