ForlornEnemy

If I ate 3x more, rode 30 miles a day, and did strength training... hmmm. looking into that idea.

Rona

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but give yourself some credit and give yourself a break! You're doing great, but you are also possibly pushing yourself towards burn out, injury or serious damage.

When I was 22 I had a very dramatic thing happen to me that put me in a wheelchair for two years. Those where some of the worse years of my life and it's taken me 15 years to get to where I can bike again. It's a long, long road. I've been there. Success doesn't happen fast enough and its soooo incredibly frustrating!!!

Make sure you get good sleep, get plenty of vitamins and minerals... don't dehydrate.. all that normal stuff you're supposed to do when you are stressing your body to the max. You'll get there!!! Woot!

fast89fox

Strength training is going to help you gain lean muscle. The lean muscle in turn is going to burn more calories even while at rest. As a beginner I would suggest a full body workout 3 times per week with at least a day of rest in between. Do the weight lifting prior to any cardio. As far as the diet you need to get on a plan with about 5 meals per day with the right macro nutrients being utilized. I know I will be told on a cycling forum that I am wrong, but for weight loss I would only suggest 4-6 hours of any cardio per week. Also with weight lifting, use free weights, dont waste your time on machines. If you are interested I have a excellent nutritional and exercise plan I would be happy to share with you that will easily net 1-2lbs of weight loss per week. This is something you could use for a guideline for nutrition plus it is detailed as to what exercises to do. If interested let me know and I can email it to you later tonight. In all honesty, I think you are going about weight loss the wrong way.

ForlornEnemy

Thank you. I know I have been doing it wrong.

I just had myself a small bowl of pasta with a little sauce. And another protein drink. I will get myself a good weight training session in here in about 45 minutes.

And later I will get on the bike and give it hell. Because nothing else helps the misery in my head.

There is that certain "pain zone" you get on a bicycle... where you know you are suffering but you keep going. Last night I was pushing very hard, cursing aloud (in the country) up a long hill. I may have manboobs, but one thing is for sure... my legs are starting to build up, no doubt on that. Hard bulging muscles!

Rona

Lol.. we have/had a saying in the military "Pain is just weakness leaving the body". It doesn't apply to injuries of course, but yes... that feeling of pushing hard and those muscles suffering... that's HTFU for you!!!

Neil_B

I'm picking up on a disturbing undercurrent in your posts, Forlorn. You keep writing about pain, suffering, torture, etc. I wonder if you are motivated to improve yourself or if you are doing this to punish yourself for getting so fat and sedentary. Self-improvement is supposed to be a positive experience. As an example, there are a lot of folks who do long distance or endurance riding here - Cliftongk1 and Mr.Beanz, for example - and while they write about how tough a ride is, its clear they are enjoying themselves. I'm not picking that up from you. I'm all for positive change; but that includes the head as well as the body. You might need to stop and rethink just why and how you are doing this.

Tom Stormcrowe

I dunno, Neil....I get the sense that the dark thoughts are a motivator. We all use different tools, and if this combination helps him both physically by getting fit,and emotionally, by having a safe vent for his dark thoughts, then it's a good thing.

That said, forlorn, I get a sense of you as driving toward a rebirth, so I'd suggest picking the day you made your first post on this thread as your rebirthday. Happy rebirthday, Dude, and may you have many more anniversaries of your rebirthday....always on the trajectory of how you have chosen to reinvent yourself.

jethro56 

In the OP you stated:

I am 232 now. In the next 2 weeks I will start entering the final phases of this most absurd, insane, incredible journey I could ever imagine.

This says It all. Your progress so far is incredible. Is it final because you know you can't continue at this rate? Or When you lose the weight you can go back to being normal? Do you want to go back to who you were? Changing your life isn't destination it's an incredible journey. The progress you've made so far should give you some self confidence to continue. Open your mind to want more than losing so many pounds and getting the girl. They're just mid-term goals.

chipcom 

you say that like it's a bad thing.

Neil_B

I don't disagree. I want the OP to succeed too. But I think jethro56 is getting at some of what bugging me here. Does the OP realize this is a permanent change in his lifestyle, or does he think this is just a nasty and brutal set of obstacles he has to surmount and then everything is wonderful? The surest way to give up on change is to make it an unpleasant obligation. What happens if he gets to his goal weight and doesn't win the heart of his inamorata? What if he tires of telling himself he needs to be punished? Is it back to the couch, TV, and peanut butter straight out of the jar?

OP, you've made wonderful progress. Stop and take pride in it. Tell yourself you are awesome when you look in the mirror - 'cause it's true. Notice how much more easily your body moves and how much more energy you have. All these are positives. Celebrate them.

khosch

NOT!

You are terrific - congratulations on the changes you are making and on your very touching post.

ForlornEnemy

Every one of you is right.

The darkness pushes me. I want out of it immediately.

The girl, I will not get. I would like to, but it's not going to happen. Will I still try? With everything.

I cannot make this journey lovely and peaceful like so many tell me it should be. The truth is, cycling is wonderful but when you are so determined to change yourself it becomes a torture device.

I know everyone says "you have friends, and people that love you, blah blah blah..." But when you reach a point in your life (no matter how you got there) that it is literally you and the bicycle, emotionally it is very hard. It is possible to not have a friend, and with the girl.... your soul is ripped in half.

I reached the very bottom of my life and realized that in that moment, many people would end their lives. It is nothing I want others to experience... but it happens every day to people.

As each day passes, it gets harder and harder to live like this. But as each day passes, I get closer to my goal. People say that I should be happy as I am. But I used to be "hot"... and now I am not. The difference is insane. I can never get me a nice, pretty girl to love me and want me like this.

For the same reason male birds in the Amazon build large nests and display wild dances to impress the females... in humans it is the same way. It is nature. If you could speak "bird" and told him that he should be happy with his nest the way it is, he would call you a moron and tell you to leave his area.

Am I the only overweight person that realizes this? Or are people just quitters and use the "I love myself as I am" as an excuse to hide from reality? So they don't have to go out and ride 30 miles in 100F every day? I appreciate being positive, but I am a realist.

Perseverance in this state of mind is extremely difficult. Especially last night, my chain dropped between the frame and the crank... I jerked it back out of place but in the process the crap Sora RD was yanked and now it skips... so I can't ride. No money to have it fixed.

Hopefully today I will have it fixed. (If you are in san antonio and can help, let me know!) I need to be riding. The pain does help the pain, if that makes sense.

Every day it seems to get harder. But I must reach the destination. And when I finally get there, I will be unstoppable. How do I know? Because I was once there before I let myself go.

Thanks for all the replies here. I realize I am completely insane, while at the same time perfectly sane. Life is difficult.

chipcom 

Just stop. You can't make someone love you and even transforming yourself into Patrick Wilson or Johnny Depp isn't going to help. If you want to change yourself, do it for you. If you can't be happy with yourself, how the f do you think you can make anyone else happy...or that somehow someone else can automagically make you happy? Fix thyself, for thyself, and good things will come...I promise.

Neil_B

Fine, dude, whatever. Go on with your masochistic obsession if it makes you miserable. Also your delusion that only you understand everything. I'm out of here.

But before I go, take this suggestion: look up some online information on adjusting the derailer.

RandoneeRider

Here ya go dude...... just to help ya feel better 'bout what you is.

You're always gonna have yer Players with their "bling", the tall dark & handsome, better dancers, bigger nests, more colorful male birds, brothas "flossing" their cash, balding men steeped in Corvettes & "mid-life", taller gentlemen, cyclists with CF bicycles, et*****'nCetera; it is what it is.

Be grateful for what you are and what you have.
You coulda been a 5' 2" troll denied entrance into the Air Force Academy/local Police dept./an Airline steward, etc. for being too short, discriminated against all yer adult life for being a white, Christian, male during "equal opportunity"/Affirmative Action, without positive validation/encouragement from one's parents, never to have known 'love', an adult who grew to be mobidly obese, without a special other for over 20 years, and a loner who manages only TOO WELL to live alone.

Look at the image below and my 'life' for the last 57 years above..... and see what I have to work with. Then compare it with what YOU'VE got. You have your youth, you have your whole life ahead of you, and you have opportunities as yet to be revealed.
But if you are indeed as miserable and desperate as you have shared with us, then those around you are picking up on that vibe as well..... especially that woman that you need to shoot to the curb. Plug "Positive Imagery" into a search engine, see what to "manifest" in one's life means, "you are what you eat"/and what you think! You are doing yourself a diservice by dragging yourself through the gutter and perpetuating that which you need to CEASE! I'll try one more time with the advise thang, then I'm outa here, I refuse to enable you any longer:
-- The next time you post, it will NOT be on this thread. It will instead be a post about how GOOD your bicycle ride went, what you learned about how/when you should eat before/after a ride, your gains nutritionally and how you knocked out 40 miles effortlessly because you trained correctly, and THEN it will be a post about how you've become stronger, happier, and lost weight. It's up to you to look after yourself, you hafta stop obsessing over that chick, you need to eat better foods 6 times a day, drink lotsa water, and pick up some basic inexpensive multi-vitimans ferGodsakes. Your next post should be POSITIVE and an affirmation of success..... with hints of a happier you.

You're in a good position and young enough to do something about the condition your condition is in.

Don't be THIS guy when you're nearing 60:

ForlornEnemy

I appreciate these replies. When I am down/pissed off I don't consider anything but myself, I am selfish.

My destructive nature will take me all the way where I need to go, and then it will destroy me. I know I need to change... my attitude. The next post I put in this thread will be a ride report (don't know when I will be riding) and I will post pics of my ride and the river I will be riding along.

To those that have it harder than me, and still push on... thanks for posting here. Keep going on. We all have different perspectives but in the end, the same battle.

Rona

To those long term loners.... I just want to mention that I married my darling hubbie at age 40. He was a major bachelor and had never dated anyone long term 'till he met me.

Good, solid relationships CAN happen later in life. Love can happen at any time. Now that I'm biking, the best years of my life are ahead of me, not behind me!!

chipcom 

Is dat a wabbit I see making a little tent down there?

CraigB

I'm generally a pretty supportive person. I hope others here would agree with that statement. And I've been following this thread, reading each of the OP's posts, with the hope that at some point I might be able to add something positive to the discussion. But I don't think that's going to happen. It's obvious you're dealing with a lot of crap right now, and I'm sorry about that, but there's just way too much melodrama here. The last time I saw a statement like the one quoted above was when I was reading The Fountainhead.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but you sound like you have all the perspective on life that a teenager has. Maybe you've had more than your share of hardships, but you know what? So have many other folks, often much worse than yours. You do what you can. You either find the courage and inner strength to change your life, or you don't.

The unshakable impression I'm left with is that even when you're done with your transformation, you're still going to be an unhappy person. Well, pardon me for saying so, but I think some professional counseling is in order.

Haff

Forlorn,

I dont understand your situation, and I never will. But I am trying. And thats the best i can offer. I live half a country away from you, but fi you need somebody to listen to, or yell at, or to yell at you, or anything. Let me know.

That said, I do understand about the darkness, or at least a little. My darkest was a little over a year ago. I was (am) a fat piece of crap. My work life has crashed, all my friends had moved away or lost interest in correspence, my wife was dropping major hints about leaving, and a whole host of other crap. I also was almost 2 years into a sickness of the intestines which prevented me from going far from a bathroom, or trying new things. I never wanted to hurt or kill myself, but i certainly wished it on others. I blamed EVERYONE for my situation. The whole foggin world! I hated myself most of all. And my "friends". how could they sit back and watch my health decline without trying to help. How could they do nothing unless they actually WANTED me to be a fat slob who was likely to die by 50.

Then one day, with no particular reason, I decided to do something. I did a lot of research, and self diagnosed as major depression (the highest level on any scale I could find). I then went to my doctor and told him I thought I was depressed and I wanted something to take the edge off while I got my life back in order. He prescribed citalopram. and for 6 months I didnt think it made a difference. But in the meantime, I got back in touch with some odl friends. I took stock of my like and defind the goal that i have listed in my sig, and generally took control. The one day, I realized I wasnt very depressed anymore. That was a great day. On that day, I felt like I had my life back. I was in charge once again. I controlled my own destiny, and realized I always did. I was king of myself and the world was my kingdom.

Three weeks ago I began coming off the anti-depressant. It did its job. It took the edge off while I fixed my state of mind. now it is more hinderance then anything else. I gained 50 lbs while on this drug. time to give it up. Once if gets out of my system I'm planning on using exercise and enjoyment to provide all the seretonin I need. But if I start to go back to my dark hole, I will not hesitate to go get help right away.

I've never todl anyone even a 10th of this before. I'm not even sure why I'm telling you all of this, except to repeat; I dont understand your situation, and I never will. But I am trying. And thats the best i can offer.

Be careful of self destruction. From what I read you could easily slip over the edge and do yourself a lot of harm. Try to find something to take the edge off. Lots of different ways, and maybe biking is it for you, but find something before its too late.

As for the girl. In your current state of mind you would do her more harm then good. If you care about her, keep away from her until you get your shiz in order. set a date one year from now as a date you will have yourself put together, then go find her and see if its still worthwhile to pursue her. Leave her alone until then.

good luck.

Thalia

Forlorn, you really do sound very depressed and self-loathing. Being fat does NOT make you an evil or pathetic person worthy of being hated and scorned. I'm guessing the weight-gain and unemployment are related to depression, and then you feel worse because of the circumstances.

Depression can really be debilitating! Although exercise can help mitigate it, I really urge you to get professional help as well. Biking should be fun and make you feel good -- you're taking care of yourself. It should not be a punishment for being an awful fat loser who deserves to suffer. And if you push hard to punish yourself, the chances of an injury are high.

Please, please consider getting professional help for your self-image and depression issues. You are not a horrible person and life does not need to be a perpetual struggle. I'm a chick and you know what turns chicks off? Self-hatred. Fat men find people to love them -- I'm willing to bet that many of the happily married Clydes here foudn their true loves when they were Clydes. Unemployed men can find people to love them (also, jobs!). Men with ugly cars find people to love them. But if you hate yourself, no one but a deeply damaged woman is going to find that attractive.

Pachydermatous1

Finally something I can contribute to this thread... Yep. I was pretty huge when I found love, and someone to love me. It took a while (I was around your age at the time). True, finding someone doesn't come as easy or a frequently as it comes to those of "normal" weight, but you don't want to just find someone. You want to find, "the one". And "The One" won't care what you look like.

So take care of your mindset and self image first, as you can never find the right person for you unless you do that first. As Thalia said, no woman that will be good for you is going to go for someone who hates themself. You can hate things about yourself, (sure I do), but I know I'm a good person worthy of love, and I bet you are too. I'm crazy as soup sandwhich, but I accept who I am and that's ok.

I've been reading and really had nothing to say until now, but instantly when I read your first post, I knew you needed more than intense exercise. Please seek the help of a professional that can help you with your sense of self, before it's too late. I'm seeing warning signs all over the place.

goldfinch

1. Fix your derailleur by taking Neil's suggestion to look up instructions on the internet.

2. Do something nice for someone else today and everyday. I am sure that there is something nice you can do for your grandma.

3. Check into getting medical help for your mental health issues. If you can't afford it there may be programs to help. https://www.dshs.state.tx.us/mhsa-mh-help/

JusticeZero

Yeah. You're driving yourself hard AWAY from what you DON'T WANT TO BE. but that does not mean you are moving TOWARD the person you DO want to be. You need to figure out what you want to be like. You want to be in shape, you want to be healthy, you want to be attractive. We got that. Your darkness isn't attractive, and it isn't even really giving you a good target. Re-imagine your life the way you want to be, and learn what habits and choices that person makes and does from day to day. Then quit hating yourself and fixating on an image you despise. Instead, work to be more and more like the man you want to be.

The man you want to be exercises. You're doing that, but the man you want to be enjoys his exercize, or he would have eventually burned out and given up. He does a mix of exercizes; maybe he starts the day with pushups and pullups and situps in moderation and works other things into his routine.

The man you want to be eats healthy. How? What foods does he eat? Probably a lot more vegetables, less fried foods, no soda pop.. The man you want to be has small plates and eats little servings on them. He drinks a lot of water. The man you want to be probably knows how to cook, because that means he can control what he eats better and plus, makes him more in control. Besides, the man you want to be knows that women love a man who can cook a good meal for them.

The man you want to be LIKES HIMSELF. He's learned that no woman who is worth the time will love anyone who doesn't love themself first. To that end, the man you want to be probably has a few interests that they do besides exercise that gets him out and about and interacting with people.

The man you want to be realizes that there are millions and millions and millions of women in the world who are looking for someone to be with. A lot of them would be perfect for him. A lot of them aren't. He recognizes that he might as well enjoy working his way through a few of them trying to learn the difference, and that when he finds Ms. Wrong, that he can put her out of his life in an instant, because he knows that there are billions of women out there to meet, and that he's completely acceptable to a huge portion of them even if he's not quite feeling up to his own expectations that day. Besides, if they don't want to be with him because of a few pounds? Pfft. Shallow, probably wasn't worth the time anyways. They just saved you some time! They're missing out.

Understand?

eja_ bottecchia

What he said plus 1000!