I'm 46, with 2 grown children, 4 grandchildren and live 6 hours away from my mom. She still said no when I told her about the week-long tour I'm doing this summer. She's become used to me touring solo, but blew a gasket when she heard that I was touring solo outside of my province. She also told me that I wasn't allowed to camp. hehehe

I've only started touring this last few years. To be honest, I don't know what my reaction would have been had my 17 year old told me that he wanted to do a bike tour before I ever knew how wonderful touring was. I suspect that it would have been very similar to your parents. Don't give up on that dream, but I would slowly work towards seeing if they would agree to a weekend tour. Have them help you plan the route and where you're going to stay. Trying to force the issue isn't going to get you anywhere. Keep talking about it, planning different weekend rides, and maybe they'll become more adjusted to you doing this. Then work with them, and see what will make them feel more comfortable with what you want to do. Their minds are not going to change over night. Patience might be the big thing here.

Your mom won't relax about you getting hit by a car or ***** in the woods until....well....ever. I would just plan it, and then go. She'll be there when you get back, but it will show her that you can do things on your own.

I guess I'm the opposite. When I was 38, I decided to quit my job and go for a 3 month bike tour, I thought my dad would freak out, I was totally afraid to tell him. He was so wonderful - told me to live life to the fullest and follow my heart, do it if it made me happy. Thanks dad. :love:

When I was 17 a friend of mine talked about getting me a windsurfing teaching job at a hotel in Malaysia where he lived (I was insane about windsurfing). I told my Dad and he said he was right behind me and he'd help me get started, he said he wished he'd had that sort of opportunity when he was young.

It may have been clever psychology because I didn't go, instead I finished my A level's and went to university. I wonder if I'd have gone if he'd said he was against it.

I have no experience of your plight, but I suspect slow and steady will win the race. Take off for the whole day, take weekend trips to friends and family, show her you're responsible and capable.

Out of interest, what does your Dad say about this? Is he for or against it?

I have not talked to my dad about it at all, no matter what his opinion is, he will back-up my mom. When I began night riding, my mom was totally against it, but I left anyway. I got home after an hour long ride and was instantly yelled at. I think your strategy to begin rides at 8 in the morning and come home at 8 at night. If I do that day after day...what can she say? At some point during the summer, I might go to a local campground or something and hope for the best when I arrive home again.

Show your mom that you are taking her concerns seriously and that you have thought about it. If you haven't really thought about it, then you haven't planned sufficiently.

Make her part of the process. Write down what her specific concerns are and then figure out what it will take to convince her that you will be safe.

If it's about being hit by a car, show her the statistics regarding car-bike accidents and how they generally happen (at night with no lights, bicycle riding on wrong side of road or on sidewalk) and show her that you know how to ride aroud cars in a safe manner. Also, show her that you've done research on where you can find safe bike routes that are low traffic.

If it's that she doesn't want you that far from home, maybe you could plan a shorter route that is essentially a big circle around your house so that you are never so far from home that she couldn't come get you if something went wrong. Remember, involve her in the process.

If it's about camping by yourself, find out what it will take for her to feel ok about camping - go on a car-camping trip with her so she will see that there aren't any wackos out there, bike to a relative's house and camp in the backyard one weekend, or something like that. Maybe you could do some research about crime in state parks.

The main thing is to show her that you appreciate her position and that you value her input. I worry that it may be too late because it sounds like this is already an adversarial topic. If you value your familial relationship at all, you shouldn't just disappear one day. There's no way to know how that will turn out, but it doesn't sound like it will end with a healthy relationship.

+1 to onnestabe

This is an adult's approach to the problem. You may not realize it now, but as life progresses, children become less and less dependent on parents (that part you know), but parents, rather than becoming less dependent too, become more and more dependent on their children. The transition is not easy and many many people, children and parents, fail. I think you are doing very well to consider this issue carefully before you have burned any bridges.

At the same time, your progression towards independence is inexorable. And it is up to your mother to adapt to it. But be smart in managing how this happens. You should shoulder the sole responsibility for success, but if you fail (as so many have before you), IMHO is must be with you being your own person and not some appendage of your family (unless, of course, that's what you consider in being your own person). So buck up and get the job done. Good luck.

Go to CrazyGuyOnABike and show your mom the thousands of journals of people who have toured with getting hit by a car or murdered in a campground.

Good luck. At 18 it is time to definitely start to be moving more and more toward independence. The call on where to draw the line needs to come from you though. I would advise that you need to do whatever you decide in a responsible, respectful, and adult manner. Respecting your parents does not necessarily mean following all of their wishes.

Personally at your age I just went and did what I decided. I did consider the advice my parents gave me, but I didn't automatically follow it and was ready to accept the consequences of my choices.

If you believe that your mother would put you out, you have to be ready to accept that. It would be kind of irrational on her part to think you weren't capable of taking care of yourself on a bike tour, but were ready to be put out on your own to live. People, including parents don't always act in a rational manner though.

I think some 18YO can handle the road while others cannot. Some 18yo can leave w/out their parents consent others cannot. YOU and only YOU can decide this. You'll know when you are ready. And when you are you gotta go or you'll always regret staying.

Look at an organized ride here:

http://www.bikewisconsin.org/

Or, you can ride from Madison to La Crosse, then north using trails. In fact I believe there is a trail from Waukesha to Madison as well, or, enough of one to piece it together.

Communication is key. I think most parental concerns can be mitigated with frequent check-ins. Tell your mom you will call her twice a day. Better yet, purchase a "Find Me Spot" (Costco and REI sell them, $150 plus a $99/year subscription at REI, or $150 for both the unit and one year at Costco). You can just push an "OK" button as often as you like and your parents can track your exact whereabouts and know that you're okay on the web. It's just the ticket for worrying parents and it works in places that cell phones don't.

http://www.findmespot.com/en/

A few possibilities for you:

(1) Show her some of the appropriate documents related to the age of majority issue. If your level of communication with her is such that you can discuss this issue together, you might be able to reach some new level of understanding. You could find the reasoning on which legislators have based the age-of-majority laws. You could go over these reasonings with her.

Every state, and virtually every country in the world and every constitution deals with this issue, and gives full rights of freedom and self-determination to adults....

(2) My father once forbade me to do something. I told him that I was nineteen, and will be doing it anyway. I agree with you that creating hostility is not good. (In my case it didn't, it just created another kind of respect, and a new relationship -- something like man with man vs. man with boy....) In another case, I just had to walk out on him. There was no other way that I could find to get through to him about something. It worked, and it changed our relationship for the better after that.

(3) At some point, it would be best for your mother to treat you as a person (a man, not a boy any longer) who is able to make his own decisions. You might be able to help her make this transition.

(4) My father's mother kept treating him like a child, even when he was decades into adulthood. When he got out of the Air Force, he told her that he was an adult, and wanted to be treated like one. He didn't get through to her, though. He didn't find the right words, or the right approach, and was treated rather badly by her later in life. If necessary, you have to put your foot down.

(5) You can do your best to base it on mutual understanding -- that seems like the best approach. But if it doesn't work, you can't be held hostage by their opinions and reactions. You need to be a free human being. Otherwise, it's unhealthy.

(6) You could plan your tour around low-traffic routes. This would minimize the risk of being hit by a car. This is not a huge and unreasonable risk, but it is a real risk. Ken Kifer and Ian Hibell are among the long-distance bike tourers who have died this way. It's not a negligible risk, as some would have you believe. Nor is it the overwhelming risk that others would have you believe. Your mother may have to reason through the statistics to come to terms with it. Everybody seems to see this issue a little differently. Your mother's concern is probably at least somewhat legitimate (perhaps exaggerated, but also somewhat valid). Personally, I avoid high-traffic routes and times.

(7) As you show more and more mature judgement and independence and self-support, and success in carrying out your plans and endeavors, it will probably become easier for parents to let go. If you can help them to see the need for them to respect your maturity and intelligence, and your decisions, it would probably help.

***

One of the best things I've ever heard anyone say on this subject was when a public figure was asked by some journalists what his daughter would be doing after graduation. He went through a list of the possibilities (the different courses of action that she was considering), and then at the end said something like: "But whatever it is she decides, it will be her decision."

If your parents could see the importance of that -- making your own decisions and living your own life -- it would be good.

Negotiate:

Put a poster on your wall of a base jumper getting ready to dive off a cliff. Tell her you always wanted to fly and explain how one of your friends from school will be taking a class on basic parachute packing in preparation for his base jumping certification.

With that one percolating, drop hints that you've been eating lunch with XXXX the person she believes to be the biggest burned-out loser in school. "He's actually a really nice guy," tell her. Then a few days later, "We were talking about music and travel. He's actually a very interesting person." Play The Dead and Fish real loud in your room and ask her if she's ever heard about how people drive all over the country every summer going from concert to concert.

Finally, if all else fails, visit an army or marine recruiter, tell them you were thinking about a career in the military and give them your phone number. Make sure to bring home some brochures and leave them where they will be found. When confronted by your mom, tell her you are just looking for something different...an adventure.

I bet she buys you really nice panniers.

You could always tell your mother what I told mine, and although she still won't like the idea, she may better understand how old you have become.

"If I'm old enough to die for my country, then I'm old enough to ride my bike where and when I want"

Really!!!!!:eek: No Way would I have ever used this, as a parent or a teen.
I feel that parents in the baby boomer generation (my generation) have real issues with letting their kids go out on their own. My generation has controlled their kids lives much more than previous generations. School work is ALWAYS corrected, parents go to EVERY sporting event, parents MUST know their kids whereabouts at all times, kids lives are ALWAYS organized with events, and on and on. I taught my kids right from wrong and let them steer their own lives, just like my parents let me do.
If your parents NEED this "check-in" device, tell them to grow up.

I tend to agree. I would second more of the advice here about demonstrating both good planning, and showing what touring is by working smaller trips first. I also think if possible involving your parents in the adventure is a good thing.

No problem with occasional check-ins to home. However, the problem you get with setting expectations that you'll phone in twice a day and continuously be trackable on the internet... is that sometimes technology fails or is flaky. For example, imagine if the spot on folks have a server down for an afternoon. You are still sending an occasional update but you don't get feedback that it didn't go out. While you are perfectly happy and safe, folks back home expecting more continuous tracking start imagining the worst. Compound that by accidentally leaving your cell phone somewhere and not meeting the twice a day checkin phone call...

I think it was valygrl that observed this was more a discussion of parent/child relation changes than touring. So it will be a bit different for everyone. In my own particular situation, that transition was helped by my going 1600 miles away from home to college and being the 3rd of 4 boys. Today, I think my mother would still worry about my travels on the road and might even breathe a sigh of relief if I wasn't touring through some of the places I've been. However, pretty long ago, my parents came to terms with us being adults and now have also gotten vicariously involved in my tours as well.

If your family does camp as a family activity, this would be a good approach.

I rode my bike a lot in high school. End of sophomore year, did a short (60 mile round trip) overnight with a few friends and some college-age tutors from math class -- deemed safe by parents who were teachers. After that, planned some longer trips, culminating that summer with an 8-day, 600 or so mile trip with three friends. Planned all out, showed parents what we were doing, etc. The next June, rode across, and back, state of Oregon. Skipped HS graduation and repeated the eastbound trip in 1972; 3 130+ mile days.

My parents tolerated ? my riding; perhaps took a remote pleasure in the sense of accomplishment.

--
So, in less than 6 weeks you'll be graduating from high school. You have a job, and a bike. And a family. [As a parent -- my son is nearing the end of his junior year in high school -- I can tell you that we really are not trained for this job (probably the most important one we'll ever do), and especially not trained for letting go. Mothers especially, with regard to the last part, I suspect. ] IF you'd been putting your earnings into a car, what would your mother think about you taking off for a weekend of camping? Is it being away from the family, or the "hazards" of being on the road on a bike, which makes them worried?

I'd say, from a practical matter, work your way up to the long trip. "Shakedown" trips to develop abilities are a good idea. You'll find ways to simplify your travelling, and enjoy it more. By the end of the summer, maybe some of the family constraints will be a bit looser, and that would be the time for the long trip.

In the mean time -- enjoy riding that bike.

You're

Show her this trip that's going from Sheboygan to Door County, nice little tour leaving July 27th and returning July 31st. Sleeping in gyms and sag truck, average about sixty miles a day, limit is about 100 riders. :thumb:

I can feel your pain a bit. I grew up with a ridiculously strict mom, and although I wasn't in to biking when I was your age, she said 'no' to lots of other normal things that your average, 18 year old, red-blooded American boy should definitely do.
It looks like you have plenty of good suggestions here, and the trend points to education. If you educate someone on the subject of touring, hopefully they'll start to see things in a new light.
For instance, I still get strange looks from people who see me ride my bike into work. A whole 3.5 miles. I work with people that live closer to work than me, who have flat-out thought I was insane when I suggested maybe they should try biking/walking to work every once in a while. Hopefully I can drop some knowledge on these folks.

Good luck!

Red Rider,

I really feel for you. I grew up in SE Wisconsin and I had my first overnight rides around your age.

Does your mom know about safe trails like the Glacial Drumlin trail (Waukesha almost to Madison), the Military Ridge Trail, the Elroy to Sparta Trail, and the light roads that connect them? Wisconsin is one of the best connected states for small safe trails. Check these trails (just an example of what there is in Wisconsin. Wisconsin is one of the best bicycling states.)

Howard

• Waukesha to Madison
• Military Ridge Trail (Madison to Dodgeville)
• Elroy to Sparta Trail

invite your mom to come along?
wait a year until your in some far off college and let her know she can come out and stop you if she wants....

I climbed about a dozen of the 46 Adirondack high peaks solo, in winter, during my college years. my parents where halfway around the world so they kinda had to deal with it. I just told mom that I would let her know when I was going as long as she didn't tell me not to go. otherwise I would just not tell her so she can't tell me not to. once your parents figure out that its just what you got to do and you know what your doing, hopefully, they let go a little.

maybe you just need to do a few one night rides first.

respect your elders guys.

It's easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.