I got into cycling as a hobby since I enjoy riding around and getting fresh air/excercise/sunlight I went from 5 mile trips to 10 to 30... and now everyone I know always asks me the same damn thing, "So what are you training for?" and when I explain I'm not, they just look at me like I'm insane, so I've decided to start training first, and then looking for an event when I'm actually in shape for it. Any good regiments out there for a newb who lacks willpower and probably can't stick to a healthy diet?

Just ride - and once in a while - ride as fast as you can.

You don't have to be training for anything. You can just go ride and have fun.

If you want to train for something, pick a goal event and train for it. I recommend an organized ride like a century or metric century.

Forgive my ignorance and lazy lack of googling, just how long is a century and a metric century as well?

100 miles or km respectively.

Tell them you are in training for the rest of your life. And it feels GOOD.

I don't race and train like I do.
It amuses me to try to beat my own PRs and I would rather not go off the back with my club too often. Plus, I am infatuated with numbers.

How bad is it that I fueled up on some strips of bacon and granolla bars for my 30 mile ride today before leaving?

Granola bars are good for energy and bacon tastes good. Personally, I like porridge and toast or french toast and maple syrup but in the end it's just a matter of getting some carbs in before your ride.