I'm "chill". There's no "hate" directed at you, personally. But seriously, yer overthinking something you have zero experience with, ya know? Everyone wants things "easy" right off the rip. It couldn't be any easier. Get a bike, learn how to set up different gearing, figure out what's comfortable, ride it. Get it?
Agreed. Buy something and ride it. There is no other way! Then, eventually your "tastes" will become clear.