Instead of being asshats how about helping the guy out?

Beg or borrow a bike with gears, get a one day licence, as JK suggested, and see how it goes. Either that or go down to your local track and have a bash at track cycling.

http://www.usacycling.org/states/new/ - for the States

http://www.britishcycling.org.uk/web..._questions.asp - for the UK

edit:

http://www.canadian-cycling.com/ - Canada

http://www.cycling.org.au//AM/Template.cfm?Section=Home - Oz

http://www.uci.ch/templates/UCI/UCI1...MenuId=MTI2NjU - UCI list of national federations.