Habu2112

"Your bike sucks"

Seen on a chain stay protector

Metieval

"Cats almost always blink when hit on the head with a ball pean hammer"

Crank It Up

" How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-$HIT !"

7stitches

"F*** off, you F***ing F***! I bought this one in San Diego, CA at a store called The Black

gear

I always laugh when I see " I support the troops " on a big SUV. I think you have to appreciate irony to find this funny.

NzAndy

This was hand written in the road grime on the back of a small delivery van:

"I wish my wife was this dirty!!! XXX"

Zee

One I've been seeing alot lately: "God Bless the Whole World - No Exceptions."

tiny

Just yesterday on the back of a Suby:

"If your riding my a$$, you better be pulling my hair"

crosscommuter

I saw that one last week on a Saturn...and I thought Saturns were for HLCs (Healthy Young Christians)!

Elvish Legion

"I traded my wife for my bike, it was a good deal"

Elvish

desmobob

"Vagitarian"

Good riding,
desmobob

Jenifer

Best one this year: "My other car is on Mars." (from a member of the team running the Rovers)

All-time favorite: "God help me to be the person my dog thinks I am."

GTcommuter

Seen today:

"Keep the Earth clean...it isn't Uranus."

14R 

tokolosh

"developers: nature's little speedbumps"

haven't seen it in person, but it took me all day to stop laughing after i heard about it.

pinerider

Saw this one last week on a Volvo wagon with high end Yakima bike racks on the roof:


I live with Fear every day. Sometimes she lets me race.

cnw126

"My Hockey Mom can beat up your Soccer Mom"

The Seldom Kill

Saw that recently in London, under which someone had added "your daughter certainly is".

nitroRoo

Here are some really funny ones:

Guns are no more responsible for America's crime problems than spoons
are responsible for Oprah Winfrey's weight problems.


Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
-- Groucho Marx


5 out of 2 people are dyslexic
Dyslexics of the world: untie!


The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds.
The pessimist fears it is true.


The pen IS mightier than the sword, but only if
the sword is VERY short and the pen is VERY sharp.


Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...


If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.


Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Corruption is a crime.
Crime doesn't pay. So if you keep studying you'll go broke!


And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day,
teach a man how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day...


The only two things that are infinite in size are the universe and
human stupidity. And I'm not completely sure about the universe.
-- Albert Einstein


I knew it would be in the last place I looked for it,
so I looked there first.


Here's a horrible thought: You know how dumb the
average person is? Well, half the human race is even dumber than
that...


Love between a man and a woman can be a beautiful thing, especially if
you're between the right man and the right woman.
- Woody Allen


Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


A hedgehog trained to scuttle from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile
cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.


If Bill Gates got a nickel every time some version of Windows crashed or
frustrated, he's be the richest man in the world!


Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant!


I've given up superstitious mumbo jumbo for Lent...


Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.


It was a woman that drove me to drink. Such a shame I forgot to thank her


The I.S.O. standard unit of female pulchritude is the milli-helen. This
is the amount of beauty capable of causing the launching of a single ship.


Email is packaged by intellectual weight, not by volume. Some settling
of contents may have occurred during transmission.


sig away for Easter


Women are like pianos - When they're not upright they're grand.


It's a dog eat dog world out there..... And vice versa.


I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork
- Peter DeVries.


If you can't beat them, join them, then beat them.


If you were going to shoot a mime - would you use a silencer?


We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit.
--Aristotle


The concept of relative ethics is truly a tribute to the
human mind, and man's ability to delude himself.


Men will send one perfect rose, without realising a girl's need for
one perfect limo.
Dorothy L. Parker


If scientists are so clever, what is the speed of dark?


God Is Perfect,
Man Is Not,
Man Made Alcohol,
God Made Pot !!!!


Windows: A 32 bit extension and graphical shell, for a 16 bit patch to
an 8 bit operating system, originally coded for a 4 bit
microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of
competition. Good thing there's not any.


It's hard to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.


You do not really understand something unless you can
explain it to your grandmother. - Albert Einstein


Never explain. Your friends do not need it and your enemies
will not believe you anyway.


Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.


If at first you don't succeed, give up skydiving


A man is not truly drunk until he can't lie on the floor without holding
on.


"One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to
make them stop." -- G. Weilacher


We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?


If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0


A good storyteller is a person who has a good memory and hopes
other people haven't.


You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here, and
whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your
back.


Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.


If vegetarians eat vegetables, beware of humanitarians!


Most computer problems are caused by a
loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.


Why do clairvoyants need doorbells ?


Where do you want to tell Microsoft to go today?


Why do we buy a vindaloo when we only rent it for a few hours


Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.


Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.


I have a firm grip of reality - now I can strangle it....


Experts eliminate the simpler mistakes in favor of the more
complex ones, thereby achieving a higher degree of stupidity.


People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
slept in a room with a single mosquito.


Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I


When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard' I am always
tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'


The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day
they start making vacuum cleaners......


Life would be much easier if I had the source code.


He who laughs last thinks slowest.


Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt
And dance like no one's watching


If you have nothing to hide, why do you use an envelope?


**** Sapiens is a goal, not a description.


Early to rise, early to bed, makes you healthy but socially dead.


Unfinished business - business that is finished, but you don't like
the way it turned out.


Remember half the people you know are below average.


I am in shape. Round is a shape.


You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder
what else you can do while you're down there.


There are three kinds of people in the world.
Those who can count and those who can't.


"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
- Albert Einstein


Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.


If the gods had meant for mankind to fly, they wouldn't have made the
ground so hard, or so far down.


Eagles soar but a weasel will never get sucked into a jet engine.


Moore's Law: hardware speed doubles every 18 months
Gates' Law: software speed halves every 18 months


At first there was nothing. Then God said 'Let there be light!'
Then there was still nothing. But you could see it.


Suburbia: where they tear down all the trees and name streets after them.


Money doesn't make you happy, but money
can buy gizmos and gizmos make you happy.


If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.


Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of
sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.


I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one:
"O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous." And God granted it.


I started out with nothing,and I`ve still got most of it left.


I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.


Luck is when opportunity meets preparation.


I found out what serendipity meant by accident.


To a Pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To an Optimist, the glass is half full.
To an Engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Be aloof, there has been a recent population explosion of lerts.


Doesn't it bother you that we have to search for intelligent life
--- OUT THERE??


Tact: the ability to describe others as they see themselves


If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the
other trees make fun of it?


Conscience: That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol.


I don't practice what I preach, because I'm not the kind of person I'm
preaching to.


There are two secrets for success.
1: Don't reveal all your secrets
2:


Breast size multiplied by IQ always equals 69.


What we need is either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.


There are basically three kinds of men. There are the ones who learn
by reading. Then there are the few who learn by observation. The rest
just have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.


What is a rhetorical question?


Resistance is futile. Capacitance is efficacious.


If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.


I procrastinate. Efficient people never get around to it.
Therefore I am more efficient than an efficient person.


Even in the worst of times, there is always someone who's never had it better.
Even in the best of times, there is always someone who's never had it worse.


Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and
getting out of the way before it is understood.


A lawyer is an expert on justice the way a ***** is an expert on love.


God, grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the Good Fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the Eyesight to tell the difference.


Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected us as
kids, we'd all run around in a darkened room munching pills and
listening to repetitive music.


A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station........


Windows error messages in Haiku #2:
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.


Bigamy is having one too many wives. Monogamy is the same.


Got kleptomania? Take something for it.


Why does the sun come out during the day,
when it would be so much more useful if it
came out at night when it was dark?


A Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer is to computing
what a McDonalds Certified Food Specialist is to fine cuisine.


If God had meant carrots to be eaten cooked, He would have given
rabbits fire.


Claiming that your operating system is the best in the world because
more people use it is like saying that McDonalds makes the best food
in the world.


A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.


There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to say.


The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.


The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.


Veni, Vidi, Visa. (I came, I saw, I bought.)


People say that I suffer from insanity. Actually, I enjoy every minute
of it.


God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
change, the courage to change the things I can, and the
weaponry to make the difference stick!


God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.


What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


UNIX is not user-unfriendly; it merely expects users to be computer-friendly.


Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
Space is nature's way of keeping it all from happening to you.


Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.


Smith & Wesson: THE original point and click interface...


If a man says something in the middle of a forest and there isn't
a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?


There are 10 kinds of people in the world:
those who understand binary,and those who don't


I think the last place I'd like to be beamed is 'Up Scotty'


Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.


The golden rule: he who has the gold, makes the rules.


Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that
the pens will multiply instead of disappear.


Friar Tuck was always the butt of Spoonerism Jokes from the Merry Men!


We've heard that a million monkeys bashing away at a million keyboards
could produce a complete Shakespearian work.
Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.


When did I realize I was God?
Well, I was praying, and noticed that I was talking to myself.


Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having
a peeing section in a swimming pool.


Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs in one.


Mathematicians, please don't drink and derive.


We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical
problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.


Mornings: Evolution in action. Only the grumpy will survive.


The problem with the world is stupidity. Not saying there should be a
capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the
safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?


Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why
some people appear bright until you hear them speak?


Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?


Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?


A fool and your money are soon partners.


Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but
rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally
worn out, and loudly proclaiming...
"WOW! What a ride!"