It's a bad idea to head out on an epic ride without proper prior preparation, provisions, and Pringles. Actually, not so much on the Pringles, but I wanted to use a synonym for food which was consistent with alliteration. Anyway, the usual pre-ride ritual consists of having a large breakfast supplemented with caffeine pills and energy gel.

One time we brought along one of our friends whom I guess was not accustomed to having a big meal in the morning accompanied with diuretics. Fifteen minutes into the ride he had to take a crap. BAD.

So we waited for him while he did his duty in the bushes. Then we heard "Hey guys? Anyone have napkins or something?"

"Uhh... no dude."

It seemed like a great idea at the time, but we had no paper on us except for the map, so he used that to wipe his ass. Flash forward to three hours later, and we're all dehydrated, hot, and lost. We found a spigot, but a large sign advised us that it was "NON-POTABLE."

A word to the wise: If you have to wipe and you have no toilet paper in the middle of bumf*ck-nowhere, use your socks, not the map.

What are your pre-ride rituals?

proper prior preparation DOES prevent piss-poor performance....

I check my tires, spoke tensions, and air-pressure in my rear shock...unpack my camelbak...make sure everything I want is in there....eat breakfast, (or whatever meal it is at the time)..pack up some food to take with me, and make sure to check the straps on my trunk-rack before mounting the bike....

When we were teenagers, my best friend, his brother and I were dirt-bike riding at an area hot-spot. My friend could not stand it any longer and had to 'hit the bushes' off the trail for some relief. Being (naturally) without paper, he grabbed for the softest, largest leaves within reach of his squat. Unfortunately for him, he found out very quickly that they were nettles. I never saw so much squirming around in the saddle while riding. His brother and I almost wrecked we were laughing so hard.

if you ever have to wipe in the woods and dont have "TP" use lambs ear
https://www.librarygarden.com/images/.../LambsEar1.jpg
sift as. well a lambs ear

Before: Coffee & a large breakfast consisting of some eggs, cereal, yogurt, toast/bagel. Check my pack for maintenance stuff, first aid, food, appropriate clothing, and water/Gatorade. Check brakes, tires, spokes, air in the fork, and oil the chain (I also wiggle stuff around just to make sure there aren't any loose bolts/surprises waiting to happen). Stretch a little, and I'm off.

After: Shower, eat, collapse.


One time me and my buddy did a night ride, and he had to drop a deuce. He didn't know what to use for paper, so I told him to use the leaves. After cussing a bit, he finally went back and did his buisness. He came back and right away I noticed that he smelled like ****. At first I thought he crapped on his hand or something, but it turns out he stepped in his own **** when he stood up, with both feet. Luckily he didn't try to ride, otherwise he would have gotten **** all in his pedals. Acutually he did because **** is pretty hard to clean when all you have is dry leaves and grass. The rest of the way his feet kept slipping out. Funny for me, misery for him.

before the down run, always kneel, throw about some dirt, and give thanks to the spirits of the mountain...

all preparation is prior, else it is post-paration, which makes no sense at all, except for next time.

I always ride alone, so I have a pretty solid routine. Prep the camelbak with water/whatever, pack food, double check my tools and maintenance stuff is there (esp. duct tape), make sure the GPS and phone are charged and secure (the combination of those two can get you rescued even if you break a leg, provided you have cell service), and if I'm going really far out or for a long time, fire starting materials, usually a lighter and some paper, and if it's cold, an emergency blanket (the mylar kind that fold up to the size of a business card), and maybe a plastic pancho. If I'm going somewhere I've never been, I take a map and plan the route on my GPS. Sounds like a lot of gear but I barely notice it.

Suit up with all the gear I can drive in, put the rest in the back of the car, double check the straps on the trunk rack, load the bike, take off.

If I have to stop for gas or anything else, I always take a couple seconds to double check the rack, because more than once I've had a strap come undone once the weight of the bike was on and I'd gotten up to speed. Better safe than yard-saled all along the interstate.

edit: Oh, and if you have to deuce it up, do it like everyone used to -- use your hand. Your hand is much easier to clean than your arse, and much more tolerant of poison ivy/oak/nettles, etc. Or just pack some toilet paper, it's great tinder too.

1. coffee
2. groover session
3. ride

if steps 1 or 2 are skipped, i can nearly guarantee i'll be spending some mountain money during the ride.

Pre-ride rituals are bad mm'kay.

I light some incense and then pray to the shrine of gary fisher, inventor of mountain biking.

I always listen to a song that gets me made fun of by anyone that hears me play it: Kenny Loggins "Highway To the Danger Zone".

Pre-ride checklist:
1. Bike [i.e. it's in the car with both wheels and a seat]
2. Pack [I can usually tell by feel how much water is in there - if I'm wrong I'm thirsty]
3. Helmet
4. Shoes
5. Helmet [I hate riding without a helmet]
6. Shoes [I hate riding without bike shoes]
7. Gloves
8. Bug spray [they fly faster than I can ride, and can easily bite through jerseys]
9. Slurpee money
10. Sunglasses [$2000 for laser eye surgery - I'm protecting my assets]
11. Wife [optional]
12. Wife's stuff [see items 1-10]
13. Guidebook [optional - I've done most of the rides in the area, so this doesn't get used too much anymore]
14. Cell phone

That's for a ride that's 40km or less [i.e. 4 hours or less]. If the ride is "epic" [i.e. no rescue, just recovery], I'll throw in a first aid kit, double or triple the water, plenty of high fat/sugar food, and something to start a fire with.

nice thread.
in my old race days, powerbars had been out for like 2 years, so they were still that nasty, caulk textured bar. everyone swore by 'em. i tried them 2 times back then. the first time i ate the bar on the drive to our ride, leaving my water bottle on my bike in the back of the truck (you're supposed to drink like 3 gallons of water with those things), and i ended up puking about 1/2 mile into our ride. the 2nd time i shattered my ankle (14 weeks in a cast, reconstructed foot/ankle, and moved back in with mom and dad). i swear it was related to the bar.
my ritual from then on is still the same: crumb donettes and OJ. try it- you'll see.

Oh yes, music. When we get to the staging area we crank up the tunes while we unpack our bikes and gear up. Depending on who's driving, it could be something silly like a Me First and the Gimme Gimmes cover or a showtune We get funny looks from other groups, but it really sets the mood.

Pete: A regular ride for me doesn't consist of the ritual. It's usually me calling up a friend and saying "I have about an hour to kill. Want to ride?" An epic ride consists of getting up early, doing the ritual, then heading out to the spot. They're usually 3-5 hours with a food break somewhere in the middle.

So yeah, I guess the determining factor is ride length.

I agree. Sounds pretty normal. But, what is normal for one may seem epic for others. Just as long as you are having fun.

An epic ride? I let my wife know where and when. Often she will arrange to be in that area so we can share each others' experience.

So what's your definition?

I must always forget something major. Especially on long/remote/dangerous rides. I'll get deep into the technical canyon, 2 hours bike/4 hours hike from my car, and realize i left my water bottle in the car. Or drive 2 hours to a sweet trail i've been wanting to ride out in the boonies and realize i forgot my cell phone and gps. (cell phone doesn't matter much as most of those areas don't get reception).

On my last ride I was so proud of myself that I hadn't forgotten anything... it was 11 miles of probably the 2nd or 3rd most difficult singletrack i've ever been on. The whole ride went fine, a few minor wrecks and many brushes with nettles and blackberry bushes, but it was great. when I got back to the car I noticed my wallet was barely hanging in my back pocket. I forgot to put it in a zippered pocket or saddle bag. It was getting dark so if I had dropped it, it would be a bad day. Also my car/house/work keys were left in an open pocket as well.

I had a similar experience just last week on our shop's Wed. night ride. We'd been riding for an hour and a half and at a stop at a trail fork. one of the guys says "Hey, your keys are hanging halfway out your camelbak." Sure enough, I'd forgotten to zip the pocket closed and they'd been bouncing around back there the whole time. Dread to think how much walking/backtracking it would have taken to find them if they'd dropped out.

High, long, and challenging? Those are subjective terms. I dare say that my description falls within your definition.

Losing the map in unfamiliar territory because your friend uses it for toilet paper seems to me an unexpected challenge, but maybe that's just me.

It's all relative. 3-5 hours riding through rock gardens might well be considered epic. With some of the ones we have around here 3-5 hours is insane. Now 8+ hours on a fire road to me would not be epic, but just plain boring, no matter how many switchbacks it had.

By the way, Pete, you take some "epic" photographs if I do say so myself. I live in a vastly scenic area, and I can't get a good picture unless I buy it.

No, 3-5 hours is considered long in my world, and I would consider that ride epic.

Yes, but only based on the given value of 8 hours.

3 hours is hardly a significant figure in terms of length. At that point the ride is considered "long" and thus complies to your definition.

I love these e-cock arguments