zerotopanmass

We all have hours of road miles in which to concoct a brilliantly witty comeback for the motorist who's just wronged us...what are your favorites?

Raiden

A teenaged girl pulls up from behind me at an intersection:

'GET OUTTA THE ****ING ROAD!'

'I belong in the road.'

'NO, YOU BELONG ON THE ****ING SIDEWALK!'

'No, I'm sorry, you're wrong, bikes belong on the street.'

'NO, YOU'RE WRONG, GET OUTTA THE ****ING ROAD!'

'Please read up on the law, it's in your handbook, and get back to me'

As she pulls away-

'WHATEVER, HAVE FUN ON YOUR BIKE, ******!'

'Have fun being wrong!'

Ex Pres 

From a guy in spandex with shaved legs? Nothing could be better than an "I Love You!!"

San Rensho 

To the cager who has to pass you fifty feet before a stop sign, accelerating as hard as he can and honking his horn, only to swerve in front of you and slam on his brakes at the stop sign:

"Are you in a big hurry to stop?"

genius1265

Motorist: Honk Honkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Me: "WTF" reach into my imaginary cycling pocket and pull out "The Bird"

Hands down the finger with training and correct form followed with a "**** You" Is the ultimate in which their is no way they can top. They will be sitting in their car saying "Yeah **** Me, that was a good use of ****" (Kinda stole that from Dane)

jstu808

Driver: Hey look it's Lance Armstrong!

Cyclist: Hey look it's Jeff Gordon!

For some reason the driver always leaves with confused look.

lpolliard

What is up with these teenage girls? I had the same type of incident. I like to pull up right next to these kind of motorist and glare into their side window. It makes them as uncomfortable as hell. Funny thing is they always know their in the wrong as they never have anything to say to me directly when I am just inches away.

clausen

I just try to ignore them or just nod, depriving them of the satisfaction of bothering me.

kazuri

The only thing you're going to do by replying, is have the driver/passenger even more resentful the next time they see another cyclist.

Sprocket Man

Be wary of signs of aggression, but don't engage. Don't yell, don't hit their car, don't stare them down, don't flip the bird. Don't smile and wave and don't say "Hi" (which is passive-aggressive and likely to make them even more upset).

You may not get that smug feeling of self-satisfaction by not doing these things, but it will help keep you safe.

If you lash out in any way to a motorist, you are not teaching them a lesson. Do you really think that you'll flip them the bird then all of a sudden, they'll say, "You know, I should really start looking out for cyclists more."? No, you're making them upset, and solidifying their "us against them" type of thinking.

If they get mad at you because you're the one at fault, give the driver a quick wave and say "sorry", then be on your way.

Sorry if I'm spoiling the fun, but I once yelled an obscenity to a driver who almost hit me (it was his fault) and he went absolutely ballistic. He even drove the wrong way down a one way street to try to catch me - smashing a few parked cars in the process. I have no doubt that he would have killed me if I had stopped or he had caught me.

Stay safe. You owe it to yourself and the people who care about you.

EventServices

There are some situations in which ignoring them drives them c-r-a-z-y. Some of those idiots just want attention, and it's fun to keep it from them.

In other cases, if they're yelling at me, I give them the "I can't hear what you're saying" thing and look away. They leave unfulfilled.

If you react to them, they get what they want.

It's usually the dogs that don't bark that are the most dangerous.

Tsuru

I usually just laugh at them... which they tend to hate. It's also fun to pass them again and again as they get stuck in traffic, especially when I make a light and they can't. Or, if it's a back road with a slower mph, I'll kick it up and follow them for a little bit as if we are going the same way. Makes them really nervous like I'm going to find out where they live or something. Just kinda fun and a good excuse to kick it up to 25-30mph for a little bit on a commute home.

I don't "retaliate" as some cagers are just f**king nuts and their car can kill me pretty quick, but I do like to have a little fun.

joe_5700

On one of my rides at night I had an SUV full of teenage girls chanting "go, go, go" as I was going up a hill approaching a stoplight. They were on the opposite side of the street and had a red light so instead of just going straight I rode right up to the driver's window and told them it was good exercise. I didn't exactly think biking was exactly cool either when I was that age. So all of the girls in unison said that they loved exercise. I couldn't help but point out that a few of them needed more of it and I rode off.

saratoga

"There's a cop behind you."

tubescreamerx

Excellent.

fitn217

"On one of my rides at night I had an SUV full of teenage girls chanting "go, go, go" as I was going up a hill approaching a stoplight. They were on the opposite side of the street and had a red light so instead of just going straight I rode right up to the driver's window and told them it was good exercise. I didn't exactly think biking was exactly cool either when I was that age. So all of the girls in unison said that they loved exercise. I couldn't help but point out that a few of them needed more of it and I rode off."

I can see you now riding the tour .........people cheering you on.......and you calling them a bunch of fat f***ks. Way to go

banerjek

They weren't cheering him -- they were making fun of him. Juveniles do that to me sometimes.

Responding to nonsense like this falls in the same category as barking at dogs that chase you. It might be fun, but it's unproductive.

Romans8:28

Who lets teenage girls dis them and get away with it?

This forum seriously needs to man up

patentcad

Just do us a favor, STFU and ride your bike.

tkehler

Re: mouthing off/replying in kind to idiotic drivers ... while it might feel good, it's just going to harden attitudes towards cyclists, in most cases, not to mention that it will inflame the psychos out there, in other cases.

I have found that the best reply to someone is just to say "thank you", when they cut you off or launch a stream of invective at you, or whatever they do. In many instances -- though not all -- they become ashamed of their behavior. And if they are really ****-ed up and spoiling for a fight, a "thank you" will infuriate them but it will not serve as a provocation.

[Edit: politely explaining to people that they've done something erroneous or foolish, while staying calm, is surprisingly effective. Hence I try hard to NOT glare or sneer or give 'em the icy stare. These latter never work. Like someone said, no one is going to say "gee, that guy who just glared at me for almost cutting him off is right. Thanks to his glare I've learned to be more considerate and share the road." Nope. It's more likely to make him or her more confrontational.]

adriano 

how do you know for certain that these drivers play basketball?

nayr497

I prefer to say, "Good hustle!" as if I'm a high school basketball coach.

However, I keep smarta*s comments to myself unless I'm in a very busy city with lots of witnesses. I figure this makes them less likely to try to run me over.

However, as some have said or experienced...some drivers will in fact try to kill you. And yes, I've had a person drive the wrong way down a one way street trying to run me over.

As I age I learn more and more to just let it go. If they do something really dangerous I might yell at them to be careful. When I'm riding in the country and someone passes far too close I simply stick my arm out and wave it a bit, hoping they'll look in their rear view and think, "Hmm, maybe I was too close?"

Likely they just think I'm trying to fly off of my bicycle by flapping my arms

It is very difficult knowing when to just let it go and when to say something, but most of the time the guy in lycra isn't going to change the actions of someone that stupid. Sadly, the older I get I realize most idiots just get older too, not less stupid.

Wino Ryder

Car load of teens roll up to a traffic light I'm already stopped at. I could hear them all laughing (probably at me) so I expected some kind of smart remark. On on my classic bike at 11:00 at night, decked out in spandex and reflective gear and the kid in the passenger seat rolls down his window and says "Hey man, how fast will that bike go?

I gave him a thoughtful look and said; "Well, if I rode it off a cliff it would do about a hundred!"

They all thought that was kinda funny, so when the light changed they told me to be careful and ride safe.



It was one of my better moments,..........you dont wanna hear the other ones.

BMWdoc

I dont have this problem. Im a dark, ugly 6 footer with a big goatie who gets even uglier when mad. Most people that begin to make a comment usually opt out of a shouting match when they see the face of the Devil.

coasting 

OP asked for brilliantly and witty. try again.