Balancing Cycling and Marriage
#51
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: NE Tennessee
Posts: 917
Bikes: Giant TCR/Surly Karate Monkey/Foundry FireTower/Curtlo Tandem
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 169 Post(s)
Liked 84 Times
in
62 Posts
My wife is visually impaired and relies on me for virtually everything. We're both in our mid 50s and have been married 35 years. She was always a homebody and I was always one to be outside doing things. Oftentimes she would feel neglected. Then the day came when our oldest son left for college and very shortly thereafter, our youngest left for basic training. Empty nesters in about 3 months and it was a very difficult transition. We eventually overcame though.
Tandems are called marriage wreckers as well as marriage savers. There is a common joke about tandems that they will help a marriage get to where it is headed faster. When we went on our first tandem ride, we knew that iot was for us in the first 1/4 mile.
Some of the things that you mentioned with your wife are similar to mine. Her vision is poor and she does ride her own bike in certain instances but she really enjoys riding on the tandem with me. I control the shifting, braking, steering, etc... and all she needs to do is pedal and enjoy. Group rides are fun for her as she will chat with others without haveing to worry about colliding or hitting anyone. Our first few descents were frightening for her but she has gotten accustomed to them and trusts in my abilities to keep us upright and safe. We recently got our mountain tandem out on some gravel and jeep trails in our local mountains and she was tentative the first few bouncing descents.
Hope you can find something that works for the both of you.
Some of the things that you mentioned with your wife are similar to mine. Her vision is poor and she does ride her own bike in certain instances but she really enjoys riding on the tandem with me. I control the shifting, braking, steering, etc... and all she needs to do is pedal and enjoy. Group rides are fun for her as she will chat with others without haveing to worry about colliding or hitting anyone. Our first few descents were frightening for her but she has gotten accustomed to them and trusts in my abilities to keep us upright and safe. We recently got our mountain tandem out on some gravel and jeep trails in our local mountains and she was tentative the first few bouncing descents.
Hope you can find something that works for the both of you.
#52
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Tucson Az
Posts: 1,689
Bikes: 2015 Ridley Fenix, 1983 Team Fuji, 2019 Marin Nail Trail 6
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 343 Post(s)
Liked 240 Times
in
143 Posts
All I can say is I'm very fortunate my wife supports my riding. In fact, the last time I was was off the bike for a long time, it was my wife that encouraged me to get back into riding.
She may have an occasional issue with the expense, but I do my own repairs, and as she said, with me being diabetic, it's much better that I ride than not.
She may have an occasional issue with the expense, but I do my own repairs, and as she said, with me being diabetic, it's much better that I ride than not.
Likes For Wileyrat:
#53
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Treasure Coast, FL
Posts: 990
Bikes: 2014 Cannondale Supersix EVO 3, 2015 Trek 520, 2017 Bike Friday Pocket Rocket, 2022 Moots Vamoots Disc RSL
Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 286 Post(s)
Liked 269 Times
in
142 Posts
Bicycle commuting twice a week was one of the ways I've always tried to be more efficient with my cycling. I get about two 50 minute workouts in 25 minutes each. I would have to spend 25 minutes driving. Unfortunately, it also gets me home about 30 minutes later than if I drive (changing clothes and putting my bike away).
#54
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Treasure Coast, FL
Posts: 990
Bikes: 2014 Cannondale Supersix EVO 3, 2015 Trek 520, 2017 Bike Friday Pocket Rocket, 2022 Moots Vamoots Disc RSL
Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 286 Post(s)
Liked 269 Times
in
142 Posts
We have a fantastic dog. He does help the situation.
Likes For Bassmanbob:
#56
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Treasure Coast, FL
Posts: 990
Bikes: 2014 Cannondale Supersix EVO 3, 2015 Trek 520, 2017 Bike Friday Pocket Rocket, 2022 Moots Vamoots Disc RSL
Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 286 Post(s)
Liked 269 Times
in
142 Posts
We've talked about tandems, but cycling in general has become a difficult subject. I may have talked about getting a tandem for us too much, and she has become turned off by the idea. So I don't bring up the tandem idea anymore.
#57
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Treasure Coast, FL
Posts: 990
Bikes: 2014 Cannondale Supersix EVO 3, 2015 Trek 520, 2017 Bike Friday Pocket Rocket, 2022 Moots Vamoots Disc RSL
Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 286 Post(s)
Liked 269 Times
in
142 Posts
Your wife is telling you she has some serious complaints. Your job is to hear her and validate her feelings. And then work on meeting her needs as best you can. It's not that she doesn't want you to cycle, it's that she wants and needs things from you that she is not getting. Give them to her!
You will likely need to cut back on cycling for a bit, but if you take proper care of her you might find she will be happy to see you spending time with your hobby.
If I was in your situation, the last thing I would do right now is negotiate for cycle time. Or try to justify my present cycle time in any way. I'd just quietly cut back and work on satisfying her needs and desires. Soon, I'd expect to find myself pedaling happily with her blessings.
I'm 58, and my wife and I have been married 36 years. Together 40!
Wife and family first, everything else will follow.
You will likely need to cut back on cycling for a bit, but if you take proper care of her you might find she will be happy to see you spending time with your hobby.
If I was in your situation, the last thing I would do right now is negotiate for cycle time. Or try to justify my present cycle time in any way. I'd just quietly cut back and work on satisfying her needs and desires. Soon, I'd expect to find myself pedaling happily with her blessings.
I'm 58, and my wife and I have been married 36 years. Together 40!
Wife and family first, everything else will follow.
#59
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Treasure Coast, FL
Posts: 990
Bikes: 2014 Cannondale Supersix EVO 3, 2015 Trek 520, 2017 Bike Friday Pocket Rocket, 2022 Moots Vamoots Disc RSL
Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 286 Post(s)
Liked 269 Times
in
142 Posts
LOL. Yeah, I get confused people with that. I've played bass guitar in bands that play rock, classic pop, current pop, disco, Motown from the 1950's to the current day.
Likes For Bassmanbob:
#60
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Treasure Coast, FL
Posts: 990
Bikes: 2014 Cannondale Supersix EVO 3, 2015 Trek 520, 2017 Bike Friday Pocket Rocket, 2022 Moots Vamoots Disc RSL
Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 286 Post(s)
Liked 269 Times
in
142 Posts
I appreciate your reply, but I think this would be antagonistically counter productive.
#61
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Treasure Coast, FL
Posts: 990
Bikes: 2014 Cannondale Supersix EVO 3, 2015 Trek 520, 2017 Bike Friday Pocket Rocket, 2022 Moots Vamoots Disc RSL
Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 286 Post(s)
Liked 269 Times
in
142 Posts
250 miles a month probably eats at least 25 hours a month with prep, planning, showering, etc. That's a lot of time and strain on a marriage. Somehow you need to make her feel she is more important than the riding. Figure that out. How about "dates", dinners together at the dinner table, not in front of the tv, planned excursions.
Good luck. My first wife had the same issues. It's one of the reasons I am on wife #2 who is much more sympathetic and rides with me occasionally. One of the things we do is to plan our week. That way we know when we'll be together, how to plan things together (like gardening, of which my wife is a master and I am the hired help, but we're together and she sees me being involved in her stuff.)
Good luck. My first wife had the same issues. It's one of the reasons I am on wife #2 who is much more sympathetic and rides with me occasionally. One of the things we do is to plan our week. That way we know when we'll be together, how to plan things together (like gardening, of which my wife is a master and I am the hired help, but we're together and she sees me being involved in her stuff.)
Likes For Bassmanbob:
#63
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Treasure Coast, FL
Posts: 990
Bikes: 2014 Cannondale Supersix EVO 3, 2015 Trek 520, 2017 Bike Friday Pocket Rocket, 2022 Moots Vamoots Disc RSL
Mentioned: 8 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 286 Post(s)
Liked 269 Times
in
142 Posts
Again, I agree with you. I am trying to take the first step to this impasse. It has benefitted our relationship when I've done that in the past.
#64
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Mich
Posts: 7,442
Bikes: RSO E-tire dropper fixie brifter
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)
Liked 3,010 Times
in
1,934 Posts
If what is explained is not what you see as rational & theirs no middle ground, time to do what will make you both equally happy.
__________________
-Oh Hey!
-Oh Hey!
#65
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Mich
Posts: 7,442
Bikes: RSO E-tire dropper fixie brifter
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)
Liked 3,010 Times
in
1,934 Posts
At some point, they need to be the first to step up to the plate. That's if they've never done it in the past.
__________________
-Oh Hey!
-Oh Hey!
Likes For puma1552:
#67
Zip tie Karen
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Fair Oaks Ranch, TX
Posts: 7,004
Bikes: '13 Motobecane Fantom29 HT, '16 Motobecane Turino Pro Disc, '18 Velobuild VB-R-022, '21 Tsunami SNM-100
Mentioned: 26 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1465 Post(s)
Liked 1,542 Times
in
806 Posts
Two things...
1) My wife comes first, so I adapt to suit her, and
2) She and I ride together often
Married 35+ years here...
2) She and I ride together often
Married 35+ years here...
#69
Junior Member
Bob, your wife deserves your attention, but as many here have said the amount you actually engage in the activity isn't that excessive. When you're around her though, maybe you shouldn't obsess about it so much. Instead, find something the two of you can do together. I agree, sitting on the couch and watching TV isn't it - nor, unfortunately is riding bicycles. What does she like to do, or is she having trouble not being a mom or a daughter anymore?
Whatever the case may be, she clearly needs to talk to a professional and I hope that person can help her face her issues without fear of judgment. That being said, I'd go so far as to saying that her calling your activities (cycling, playing in the band) as being obsessions is just not fair. If anything, she's the one who has obsessions - or at least attachment issues. I don't think your cycling is an obsession. I'd call it exercise - and quite frankly if she's prone to moping the endorphins from getting away and doing it are probably contributing to keeping you sane.
That being said, I think now is the time to focus on the two of you as a couple. She certainly deserves you set up a regular date night, but even better is something that gets you both out of the mundane. When was the last time you two went on a vacation alone?
Whatever the case may be, she clearly needs to talk to a professional and I hope that person can help her face her issues without fear of judgment. That being said, I'd go so far as to saying that her calling your activities (cycling, playing in the band) as being obsessions is just not fair. If anything, she's the one who has obsessions - or at least attachment issues. I don't think your cycling is an obsession. I'd call it exercise - and quite frankly if she's prone to moping the endorphins from getting away and doing it are probably contributing to keeping you sane.
That being said, I think now is the time to focus on the two of you as a couple. She certainly deserves you set up a regular date night, but even better is something that gets you both out of the mundane. When was the last time you two went on a vacation alone?
Likes For PGHNeil:
#70
In Real Life
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Down under down under
Posts: 52,152
Bikes: Lots
Mentioned: 141 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3203 Post(s)
Liked 596 Times
in
329 Posts
Of course ... we're only getting one side of the story here.
__________________
Rowan
My fave photo threads on BF
Century A Month Facebook Group
Machka's Website
Photo Gallery
Rowan
My fave photo threads on BF
Century A Month Facebook Group
Machka's Website
Photo Gallery
#71
Full Member
She's on the musicians' lonely wives forum. It's like the musician's ex wives forum but without all the sordid pool boy stories.
#72
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 1,680
Mentioned: 9 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 980 Post(s)
Liked 776 Times
in
402 Posts
Lots of advice from fools in this thread.
A wife doesn't need a hobby or dogs. She needs a husband who spends time with her.
If her husband doesn't spend time with her then she is going to get herself a different husband who will.
Wife comes first. Everything else is secondary to that.
-Tim-
A wife doesn't need a hobby or dogs. She needs a husband who spends time with her.
If her husband doesn't spend time with her then she is going to get herself a different husband who will.
Wife comes first. Everything else is secondary to that.
-Tim-
When does OP state that he is not spending time with his wife?
250 miles per month plus some time spent on related activities leaves more than enough time for a healthy relationship.
Based upon your previous posts I am guessing that you spend twice that much time just researching the wicking properties of fabric and you have never listed about relationship issues.
And FYI, children come first. Always.
Whether they are still in your home or moved out.
Last edited by downhillmaster; 06-03-19 at 01:23 AM.
#73
In Real Life
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Down under down under
Posts: 52,152
Bikes: Lots
Mentioned: 141 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3203 Post(s)
Liked 596 Times
in
329 Posts
__________________
Rowan
My fave photo threads on BF
Century A Month Facebook Group
Machka's Website
Photo Gallery
Rowan
My fave photo threads on BF
Century A Month Facebook Group
Machka's Website
Photo Gallery
#74
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: South Carolina Upstate
Posts: 2,109
Bikes: 2010 Fuji Absolute 3.0 1994 Trek 850
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 762 Post(s)
Liked 555 Times
in
322 Posts
unpopular opinion here. go ride when you want and let the chips fall. life is short and will be over soon
Likes For Flip Flop Rider: