no1mad 

Okay, just gave my wife the condensed version of the thread. Her take? If the wife feels that strongly about it, the wife may very well be contemplating a separation or even divorce. I think that's a bit extreme, but I ain't a Mom...

truman

And for corn's sakes, IXNAY on telling the near-miss and "another cyclist got run over" stories to the uninitiated! Tell 'em here, not at the dinner table.

bkjames00

Good to get a female perspective. I don't think that's the case, though. She's saying this because she's truly terrified of me getting seriously injured or dying. She thinks I'm 'selfish' because I'm putting myself in harms way and not considering her feelings, the risks, and the impact it would have on her and my children's lives if something were to happen to me. I understand why she's concerned, but I posted on here looking for ideas that would make her feel more comfortable with it and allay those fears.

no1mad 

Agreed. I didn't tell my family of a dog encounter that resulted in a hole in the right sock at the ankle until after I lost the job I was commuting to. The kids snickered, but I did notice my wife's eyes widen a bit, but she didn't say anything like "I told you so".

treebound 

How about this angle:

Host a picnic or bar-b-que at your house or at some local park.
Tell your wife to invite all of her mom friends and insist that their husbands or partners also attend.
I suspect that once the picnic is over one of several things will become obvious:
1. many of the spouses will look like they'll be lucky to live another year.
2. many of them will be heavy smokers and hard drinkers.
3. some of them will be fit and healthy.

Now, if you were being proactive during the event you will have been collecting data about the athletic activities of the healthy partners, and also working on the unhealthy ones to start getting healthy by doing something low impact and cost efficient like cycling to work a few times a week.

Next begin to make friends with the spouses, join some of them in their athletic adventures, and have some of them join you on your's. You might edven start a bike to work club, and might even find that some of your wife's mom friends will join in.

In the end either your wife will begin to accept your choices, or will begin to hate you for turning her friends against her.

I don't know if everything will be okay in the end, so just enjoy the process and become a part of the grand show.
Sometimes the consequences of sucumbing are worse than those of taking positive action.

Ultimately it is your decision.

no1mad 

My situation is totally different than yours. Though my wife isn't too keen on me mixing it up with the cagers, she was with me when the eye Dr. stated my glaucoma has progressed to the point that I was legally blind and strongly recommended that I give up driving. Thinking fast, since my wife hated the fact that I even bought an LBS bike in the first place, I asked the Doc point blank if it was okay to ride a bike, as a way to ward off the onset of Diabetes (family history). He agreed , so long as it wasn't one of those racer types (which means anything with drop bars is a no go to her )... so the bike became a medically approved form of transportation.

And the thing that really keeps me on my toes out there is that at my income bracket, between the life insurance and the SS funds the wife and kids would be eligible for, I'm literally worth more dead than alive, combined with the statement my wife made that if I end up getting hurt to the point where I need "assistance with personal hygiene"*, she'd park me in a home and not look back. And I ain't got a problem with that.

*not a direct quote of course, as the true language would both be blocked by the filters and result in the accrual of points and/or being whacked with the Ban Hammer.

PatrickGSR94

My wife gets apprehensive when I tell her I biked over by Walmart and back again. I haven't started commuting 14.4 miles each way to work just yet, but I've been talking about it. She wasn't totally on board with it, but didn't have any downright objections. I told her I found some detours through residential areas that are off of the 2-lane roads (only choices besides interstate between home work) and that made her feel a bit better.

My wife is not into biking at all right now, not yet anyway. She doesn't have a bike, though I keep saying I want to build her a cruiser at the local co-op. She took my sister-in-law's bike out with me on the MUP trail once, and she was scared that she was going to hit the people walking and stuff, seeing as how she had not ridden a bike in many years before that time. I don't know if she would ever be comfortable riding in traffic.

I personally feel safer on a 45 mph 5-lane road than on a 35 mph 2-lane road. At least the 5-lane has room to pass, whereas on the 2-lane a car may get stuck behind me on a hill and not be able to see around to pass, and get impatient. That's my biggest fear of commuting at this point, though I'm getting better with it.

SlimRider

Warning!!! ....

Do not interact with your wife's female friend's while not in her presence!!!

billyymc

Funny, I had this same thought. Ask her how many of her idiot friends text while driving? I bet they'd be lying if they said they don't. Then tell her that's WAY more dangerous than biking to work.

You can leave out the idiot part if you want. That's your call.

alan s 

I believe you are at greater risk of dying of a heart attack from lack of exercise and stress than being injured or killed by a car riding a bike to work every day. Getting on a bike twice a day will improve your physical and mental health and reduce stress. The smile on your face at the end of the day when you walk in the door will eventually win her over.

velocycling

So it is safe to assume your kids will never ride or walk to school. Your wife's Mommy friends of course will be dropping off their kids in APC SUVs and armoured Mini vans. And your wife would not want your kids to get run over by one of her friends.

alan s 

Go to your local gym, pick up a brochure showing some pretty women in a spinning session, pick up a contract with the price of a two year membership, tell her you are considering joining the gym to get a workout since you won't be riding your bike to and from work anymore.

kevmk81

Where's the 'like' button on here. lol - best idea yet imo

globie

Let's not deny the inherent risk of bike commuting. It's real, and partly because of all those moms driving SUVs while talking on cell phones or texting. (Saw a pedestrian come thisclose to buying it the other day. Both he and the motorist were obliviously talking on their cell phones. At least this happened right in front of a hospital!)
Seriously, though, I tell my wife it's about risk management. There is risk associated with everything we do. We have to weigh it, manage it best we can, and then decide if accepting the risk is worth it. In the case of bike commuting, it most certainly is worth the risk for me.
Even beyond biking, we miss some of the best parts of life because of misplaced fears of risk. Safety is overrated. Live your life.

caloso

Good luck with those reasoned arguments backed by solid statistics. OP's wife is reacting based on emotion rather than reason.

weshigh

My girlfriend was the one who challenged me to ride to work and back by a set date. I had been talking about it and so she said do it already. A year, 5500 miles, and 30lbs less here I am with a daily 30mileRT commute.

She gets nervous about me riding but realizes I am much happier and healthy because of it. Likes my legs muscles now too...

We use the Find My Friends program on our iPhones so she is able to check and see where I am at. This allows her to see if I am still on my ride. Then she can tell I am on my route and moving along and not worried that I am late because I am under a car, but late because I left work late. If she checks twice and sees I am still moving then I am okay and riding along. Same thing on other phones with Google Latitude. This really helps with those feelings of worry. She can check right away and not have to sit for an hour waiting for me to come not knowing if I am okay. Say what you want about always knowing where I am, but it doesn't bother me and I have the same access with her.

supernovae

Married 12 years, 2 daughters - an 8 yera old and a 4 year old and my wife is an honest to goodness "Worrywart" at times BUT - Since i've been married my wife has bought me sky diving, i did flight school, i've owned a motorcycle, multiple bikes, did a lot of mountain biking, hiking,white water rafting but most importantly i have a good head on my shoulders so my wife doesn't have to question my "critical thinking" or "reasoning" skills - with that being said, i can't fathom having a wife that WOULDN'T support me riding a bike, its terribly NAIVE to think you're going to die just because you're riding a bike when reality is - EVERYONE dies and there is NOTHING you can do to stop that other then showing you pay attention, have good reasoning skills and critical thinking skills.

TO be blunt, My gut is screaming that there is something else wrong in the relationship if commuting to work on a bike of all things is considered a wedge issue...

i've lost friends and family to car accidents, cancer, heart attacks, farming accidents, drugs and diseases of all types, but never to riding a bike.. maybe we're all just buying time, but as every day goes by, in the end, that's all we're doing and its all we got. Best to use it wisely

SlimRider

Damn! That sounds pretty harsh!

If my wife had ever said anything like that to me, I guess I'd feel like the American dollar bill...

PS.

What if the situation was reverse, could she appreciate the same treatment in return?

Whatever happened to "in sickness and health ...and 'til death do us part"?

Hoshnasi

I have nothing good to add to this post. If you’re in the road, the wife will be concerned about cars. If you’re on a MUP she will be worried about criminals or the homeless. There is pretty much no end to the worrying. When she kicks up, head to the garage to work on the bike.

I do like the idea about driving her on the commute, if he seems amenable to it, ride the route with her. There is a BIG difference to the sight/smells/feel of a ride on a route on a bike or in a car. Don't give he sensory overload if she doesn't ride often.

tjspiel

If you've been paying attention you probably realize this but just in case you don't.

You're wife is upset about TWO things.

1. You're engaging in risky behavior that could deprive her of her husband and your kids of their father

2. You're choosing to ignore/minimize/trivialize her concerns regarding item #1


Now we could argue the validity of #1 but she has had two other mom's validate her fears and to her that's good enough. I don't think that you have much an argument on #2. You've even been insensitive enough to show off the new cycling gadgets that you've bought.

It doesn't matter that her fears may not be warranted. They are real and you need to be respectful of that. Does that mean you quit riding? Probably not the best choice in the long run because you will be resentful and that's no good for a marriage either.

You could approach like this: "I know you are very worried and I don't want you to be, but riding to work is something that's important to me. What could I do that would alleviate some of your concerns?"

Is moving to an area that has what she would consider a safer route an option?

dramiscram

If I get it correctly you mainly have to get her to understand that commuting by bike is less dangerous than commuting by car. It may not be that easy but I don't see why you could not because it's the plain truth. Good luck

supernovae

Here are the national statistics..

https://www-fars.nhtsa.dot.gov/Main/index.aspx

If there is any consolation, you're 6.5 times likely to be killed as a pedestrian than you are as a pedalcyclist.. obviously each side has different ratios, more people walking = more pediastrian deaths so its not 1:1, but it gives an idea.

If you figure in national averages of causes of death, cycling is a great way to VASTLY reduce the risks:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of..._death_by_rate

SlimRider

Enough with this nonsense!

Show your wife just exactly who wears the pants in your family!!!

While there's still time, you should submit to your wife and make certain that her every whim is satisfied, without exception!

Ridefreemc

Drop the car at one end, ride back, then ride with her 15. Point out nice things, stop a lot, and have a nice time. If she is like my wife and family they never would have guessed that they rode 15 miles.

supernovae

There is no relationship if you let unfounded fears prevail, so in essence, it absolutely does matter. It doesn't mean you ignore them, it just means you talk about them rationally..


Sounds like that didn't work, or he wouldn't be here asking for help. I'm just guessing though



Unless you know a town with padded roads with no cars allowed and everyone is super nice, you can't move to avoid what you don't know is coming. Sure, there are bike friendly towns, pedestrian friendly and family friendly towns but you can't hide from it all and putting a moving option on the table sure seems like you're capitulating to fear..