Advice about Parents
05-03-09 | 08:46 PM
#52
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 287
Likes: 0
From: Boston, MA
Dave, I feel your pain. a month ago I was in the same situation, so I'll offer as much input as I can:
This is exactly what I did to prepare for my first tour. Last month, I decided to go on my first tour by biking home from school. I'm 21, and still found it extremely difficult to convince my parents that a three-day-long bike ride from school in Boston to home in New York was perfectly safe.
When I first told my mother, I got the same response as you. My entire family was confused and upset. They were completely unsupportive and against the idea, and couldn't understand why I would do such a far fetched thing when I had "better things to worry about". So I tried explaining over the phone how I loved biking and knew what I was doing. But that wasn't enough, so I pretty much told them they couldn't stop me and that I'd see them in a week. Needless to say, I received several calls a day the entire week before my first tour from my mother, father, and sister trying to talk me out of it.
At some point(like you have) I realized that they were scared of two things:
1. that I would be alone and get run over by a car ten minutes in and nobody would know
2. that I would be a lone and get mugged/*****/murdered by a stranger and thrown off the nearest bridge and nobody would know.
So to convince them otherwise I tried to:
1. Prove to them that the route I'd be biking was safe. Done by pointing out that I had already been biking around crazy city drivers in both Boston and New York for the past year without any problems(both my parents grew up in cities and know how dangerous traffic can get), and that country roads does not mean major freeways where cars zip along at 80mph.
2. Remind them that I am now a 21-year-old male who has survied far more dangerous settings/situtations than being on a bicycle out in small town america. And that nobody(well, almost nobody) wants to molest a 21 year old guy riding his bike. (again, I imagine this fear arises from both my parents being raised in inner cities where under some circumstances this might be a very real fear, especially for younger people). And that this rarely ever happens.
Even after explaining all that they were still pretty weary, so I made sure I:
-Planned out my exact route on bikeroutetoaster.com and e-mailed it to them, so even if anything did happen to me police would know where to look.
-Assured them I'd keep my cell phone on me and charged. And promised to call every night to let them know I was OK.
-Laminated a print-out of Emergency Information (Name/Address/Medical Insurance/Bloodtype/Emergency Contact Info) and told them I would wear it around my neck the entire trip, and I did.
-Gave them the contact info to my warmshowers.org host where I stayed for the first night, and the name of the motel I stayed at the second.
-Made sure to add an element of fun, so I created a twitter.com account and updated my twitter status with my tour progress every few hours during the tour with my cell phone(using text messaging), even getting creative with what I wrote in my updates with haiku and random observations. I e-mailed everyone in my family a link to my twitter page so they could go to my twitter site and see how my tour was going.
Like downtube said, the key is to address all her possible concerns. Note that when driving, most of the concerns are already addressed. Worst case in a car, if you get in a serious accident, your car is registered, police will find out, insurance (usually) finds out, you'll end up in a hospital, or drive away fine. But whatever happens, as long as mother knows that these safegaurds exist, she will feel safe sending you out in a car. Given this society, it's really no surprise that any mother would freak out at the idea of riding a bicycle out in the open, given that all these safeguards don't seem to exist for cyclists. It's your job to convince her that they do.
The night before my departure from Boston, when I had sent them my final plan and route/etc, they finally realized that I was very serious about my trip, and finally considered that at age 21 I was quite mature enough to pull this off. They probably also realized that they couldn't stop me even if they wanted to(I was in Boston, they were in New York). And that's when their fears suddenly turned into supportive enthusiasm. My parents and my siblings had told all their friends and other family what I was doing and my mother was finally on my side. My planning and communication with them had paid off. During my trip, I followed through with all my promises, and the trip happened without a hitch (except for the one time I forgot to call mom until later at night). As long as my mother knew I was alive and well it didn't really matter what I did (I strayed from my planned route a few times, and camped the second night instead of staying at a motel).
So I second downtube's point. Arguing with mother gets you nowhere. Showing her evidence that you are not 8 year old by showing her a plan (trip logs of other bike tourists your age, your exact intended route/destination, emergency backup, food calendar, equipment list, nonsensical pie charts
) gives her hard proof that you are not 8 years old anymore. Plan your trip very carefully and present to her your final report. The more maturely you go about talking to your mother, the better of a chance you will have of her seeing you as a mature grown up, ready to take your intentions seriously
hehe, this never quite worked with my mother, even though I've had friends who have urged me to try it out. Unfortunately for me, my mother once worked in a field where it was her job to deal with people trying to negotiate against the business. Growing up, my mother knew exactly when one of my siblings or I was trying to undermine her through negotiation and any attempts to negotiate always backfired (In the end, she was always the hand that fed me)
I'd agree that perhaps checking in twice a day might be excessive, but it was exactly what my mother needed at first to calm her irrational fears that's she's built up over my lifetime. Now that she knows I can take care of my self for a few days, I'd be willing to bet that the next time I tour she'll be nowhere near as maniacal about my whereabouts as she was the first time. I guess I'll find out in a few weeks when I go on my next tour (Boston-DC)
Mom is supposed to be overly protective. That's in the job description. Some tips to try to reduce her concerns:
- Plan plan plan. Have your route picked, with overnight and food stops selected.
- Have emergency plans for unrepairable breakdowns, injury, illness.
- Have a cell phone and a way to keep it charged
- Think about every worry your mom will come up with, and have some plan to address.
- If you could have "safe houses" along the way - friends or family, that could alleviate fears
Have all this done before bringing it up again. You may be almost 18, but in her eyes you're still 8. You've got to impress her with your planning/preparation.
Or you could just go, and deal with the consequences later. But really, if this is your first long solo tour, overplanning is not a bad idea anyway.
- Plan plan plan. Have your route picked, with overnight and food stops selected.
- Have emergency plans for unrepairable breakdowns, injury, illness.
- Have a cell phone and a way to keep it charged
- Think about every worry your mom will come up with, and have some plan to address.
- If you could have "safe houses" along the way - friends or family, that could alleviate fears
Have all this done before bringing it up again. You may be almost 18, but in her eyes you're still 8. You've got to impress her with your planning/preparation.
Or you could just go, and deal with the consequences later. But really, if this is your first long solo tour, overplanning is not a bad idea anyway.
When I first told my mother, I got the same response as you. My entire family was confused and upset. They were completely unsupportive and against the idea, and couldn't understand why I would do such a far fetched thing when I had "better things to worry about". So I tried explaining over the phone how I loved biking and knew what I was doing. But that wasn't enough, so I pretty much told them they couldn't stop me and that I'd see them in a week. Needless to say, I received several calls a day the entire week before my first tour from my mother, father, and sister trying to talk me out of it.
At some point(like you have) I realized that they were scared of two things:
1. that I would be alone and get run over by a car ten minutes in and nobody would know
2. that I would be a lone and get mugged/*****/murdered by a stranger and thrown off the nearest bridge and nobody would know.
So to convince them otherwise I tried to:
1. Prove to them that the route I'd be biking was safe. Done by pointing out that I had already been biking around crazy city drivers in both Boston and New York for the past year without any problems(both my parents grew up in cities and know how dangerous traffic can get), and that country roads does not mean major freeways where cars zip along at 80mph.
2. Remind them that I am now a 21-year-old male who has survied far more dangerous settings/situtations than being on a bicycle out in small town america. And that nobody(well, almost nobody) wants to molest a 21 year old guy riding his bike. (again, I imagine this fear arises from both my parents being raised in inner cities where under some circumstances this might be a very real fear, especially for younger people). And that this rarely ever happens.
Even after explaining all that they were still pretty weary, so I made sure I:
-Planned out my exact route on bikeroutetoaster.com and e-mailed it to them, so even if anything did happen to me police would know where to look.
-Assured them I'd keep my cell phone on me and charged. And promised to call every night to let them know I was OK.
-Laminated a print-out of Emergency Information (Name/Address/Medical Insurance/Bloodtype/Emergency Contact Info) and told them I would wear it around my neck the entire trip, and I did.
-Gave them the contact info to my warmshowers.org host where I stayed for the first night, and the name of the motel I stayed at the second.
-Made sure to add an element of fun, so I created a twitter.com account and updated my twitter status with my tour progress every few hours during the tour with my cell phone(using text messaging), even getting creative with what I wrote in my updates with haiku and random observations. I e-mailed everyone in my family a link to my twitter page so they could go to my twitter site and see how my tour was going.
Like downtube said, the key is to address all her possible concerns. Note that when driving, most of the concerns are already addressed. Worst case in a car, if you get in a serious accident, your car is registered, police will find out, insurance (usually) finds out, you'll end up in a hospital, or drive away fine. But whatever happens, as long as mother knows that these safegaurds exist, she will feel safe sending you out in a car. Given this society, it's really no surprise that any mother would freak out at the idea of riding a bicycle out in the open, given that all these safeguards don't seem to exist for cyclists. It's your job to convince her that they do.
The night before my departure from Boston, when I had sent them my final plan and route/etc, they finally realized that I was very serious about my trip, and finally considered that at age 21 I was quite mature enough to pull this off. They probably also realized that they couldn't stop me even if they wanted to(I was in Boston, they were in New York). And that's when their fears suddenly turned into supportive enthusiasm. My parents and my siblings had told all their friends and other family what I was doing and my mother was finally on my side. My planning and communication with them had paid off. During my trip, I followed through with all my promises, and the trip happened without a hitch (except for the one time I forgot to call mom until later at night). As long as my mother knew I was alive and well it didn't really matter what I did (I strayed from my planned route a few times, and camped the second night instead of staying at a motel).
So I second downtube's point. Arguing with mother gets you nowhere. Showing her evidence that you are not 8 year old by showing her a plan (trip logs of other bike tourists your age, your exact intended route/destination, emergency backup, food calendar, equipment list, nonsensical pie charts
) gives her hard proof that you are not 8 years old anymore. Plan your trip very carefully and present to her your final report. The more maturely you go about talking to your mother, the better of a chance you will have of her seeing you as a mature grown up, ready to take your intentions seriouslyNegotiate:
Put a poster on your wall of a base jumper getting ready to dive off a cliff. Tell her you always wanted to fly and explain how one of your friends from school will be taking a class on basic parachute packing in preparation for his base jumping certification.
With that one percolating, drop hints that you've been eating lunch with XXXX the person she believes to be the biggest burned-out loser in school. "He's actually a really nice guy," tell her. Then a few days later, "We were talking about music and travel. He's actually a very interesting person." Play The Dead and Fish real loud in your room and ask her if she's ever heard about how people drive all over the country every summer going from concert to concert.
Finally, if all else fails, visit an army or marine recruiter, tell them you were thinking about a career in the military and give them your phone number. Make sure to bring home some brochures and leave them where they will be found. When confronted by your mom, tell her you are just looking for something different...an adventure.
I bet she buys you really nice panniers.
Put a poster on your wall of a base jumper getting ready to dive off a cliff. Tell her you always wanted to fly and explain how one of your friends from school will be taking a class on basic parachute packing in preparation for his base jumping certification.
With that one percolating, drop hints that you've been eating lunch with XXXX the person she believes to be the biggest burned-out loser in school. "He's actually a really nice guy," tell her. Then a few days later, "We were talking about music and travel. He's actually a very interesting person." Play The Dead and Fish real loud in your room and ask her if she's ever heard about how people drive all over the country every summer going from concert to concert.
Finally, if all else fails, visit an army or marine recruiter, tell them you were thinking about a career in the military and give them your phone number. Make sure to bring home some brochures and leave them where they will be found. When confronted by your mom, tell her you are just looking for something different...an adventure.
I bet she buys you really nice panniers.
I tend to agree. I would second more of the advice here about demonstrating both good planning, and showing what touring is by working smaller trips first. I also think if possible involving your parents in the adventure is a good thing.
No problem with occasional check-ins to home. However, the problem you get with setting expectations that you'll phone in twice a day and continuously be trackable on the internet... is that sometimes technology fails or is flaky. For example, imagine if the spot on folks have a server down for an afternoon. You are still sending an occasional update but you don't get feedback that it didn't go out. While you are perfectly happy and safe, folks back home expecting more continuous tracking start imagining the worst. Compound that by accidentally leaving your cell phone somewhere and not meeting the twice a day checkin phone call...
I think it was valygrl that observed this was more a discussion of parent/child relation changes than touring. So it will be a bit different for everyone. In my own particular situation, that transition was helped by my going 1600 miles away from home to college and being the 3rd of 4 boys. Today, I think my mother would still worry about my travels on the road and might even breathe a sigh of relief if I wasn't touring through some of the places I've been. However, pretty long ago, my parents came to terms with us being adults and now have also gotten vicariously involved in my tours as well.
No problem with occasional check-ins to home. However, the problem you get with setting expectations that you'll phone in twice a day and continuously be trackable on the internet... is that sometimes technology fails or is flaky. For example, imagine if the spot on folks have a server down for an afternoon. You are still sending an occasional update but you don't get feedback that it didn't go out. While you are perfectly happy and safe, folks back home expecting more continuous tracking start imagining the worst. Compound that by accidentally leaving your cell phone somewhere and not meeting the twice a day checkin phone call...
I think it was valygrl that observed this was more a discussion of parent/child relation changes than touring. So it will be a bit different for everyone. In my own particular situation, that transition was helped by my going 1600 miles away from home to college and being the 3rd of 4 boys. Today, I think my mother would still worry about my travels on the road and might even breathe a sigh of relief if I wasn't touring through some of the places I've been. However, pretty long ago, my parents came to terms with us being adults and now have also gotten vicariously involved in my tours as well.
Last edited by thehum; 05-03-09 at 09:17 PM.
06-04-09 | 11:44 PM
#53
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 85
Likes: 0
My parents never opposed my trips, but they did happen to show up several times, at state campgrounds they knew i'd be at, around lunchtime. 
Now i'm just the odd son who bike tours. No big deal.
My advice : Finish high school. Get job(s). Start university far from home. Tour on Breaks. Cut the cord.
I really like Machka's approach of teaching, possibly overseas. Great career choice. I'm looking into it as a career choice for myself.
Your parents will come around to your way of thinking eventually. Soon she'll be bragging to her friends about her college student son who's out traveling the country.
(Gap year is an idea that really needs to catch on in america. too many helicopter parents.)
Now i'm just the odd son who bike tours. No big deal.My advice : Finish high school. Get job(s). Start university far from home. Tour on Breaks. Cut the cord.
I really like Machka's approach of teaching, possibly overseas. Great career choice. I'm looking into it as a career choice for myself.
Your parents will come around to your way of thinking eventually. Soon she'll be bragging to her friends about her college student son who's out traveling the country.
(Gap year is an idea that really needs to catch on in america. too many helicopter parents.)
06-05-09 | 04:49 AM
#54
Senior Member
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,016
Likes: 4
From: Chicago, IL
Bikes: Giant FCR3, Surly LHT
My initial reaction would be to just go and when you got back safe and sound they would see how much of an adult you are and get over it pretty fast. On the other hand if something bad did happen you would be up Shlt Creek.
06-05-09 | 12:33 PM
#55
Day trip lover
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 813
Likes: 0
From: capital city of iowa
Bikes: '16 Giant Escape 3 (fair weather ride), Giant Quasar (work in progress), 2002 saturn vue (crap weather ride)
my mother wouldn't have cared. then again that's a story unto itself.
my aunt on the other hand, she'd flip her lid over something like this. but thats not the case being as im 25, and do know how to take care of myself. my grandmother on the other hand would be worried to no end.
people worry, its what they're good at. worry is a form of support too... the secondary back-up net, if you will.
my aunt on the other hand, she'd flip her lid over something like this. but thats not the case being as im 25, and do know how to take care of myself. my grandmother on the other hand would be worried to no end.
people worry, its what they're good at. worry is a form of support too... the secondary back-up net, if you will.
06-05-09 | 01:09 PM
#56
Senior Member
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 358
Likes: 0
I'm 50 years old and married with two sons only slightly older than you are. I can see the issue from both your mother's point of view and your own. My wife is a reluctant supporter of my bicycle touring with precisely the same concerns your mother has for your safety. If one of my sons told me he wanted to make a bike tour, I'd have the same concerns as your mother as well.
I understand there are some who are willing to strain or damage a relationship with their parents over the issue of (over) protectiveness. I'm certainly not willing to do that with my wife and I'm very happy that I've managed to work through various disagreements with my parents and my sons without damaging a long term relationship.
I'd suggest working to show your mother you understand her concerns and you'll do what you can to address them. You'd also like her to understand your goals/desires and you'd like her to be willing to work with you to address those as well. It's not productive to promise that you won't get hit by a car. You and your mom both know that it is, indeed, possible no matter what. You need to accept her concern and work with her on ways to mitigate it. Is there an interesting trip you can take where most of the riding is on bikeways? I ride 20 to 25 miles almost every day on lightly traveled roads close to my home. I'd want to assure my wife or my mom that I have no interest in a daredevil, high risk bike ride. I plan tour routes with safety in mind and my wife can see effort that goes into planning a route that is lightly populated with cars (and especially trucks). Over time, you build trust with the people who care about you that you're also concerned for your own safety and you make decent plans to see that you return home in one piece.
Are there some shorter trips you can take, beginning with day trips and single overnight trips, that she would feel better about? Sometimes, a parent's unstated concern is that you don't really know what you're getting into. Working up from shorter trips closer to home changes the request from "I want to do this really big thing I've never done before" to "I want to do this thing I've done successfully lots of times on a bit larger scale". As a parent, I'm much more comfortable with the latter approach.
My wife feels some reassurance that I always have my cell phone with me and I call her regularly (at least daily) to let her know where I'm at and how I'm doing. I encourage her to call me for even the smallest thing. Sometimes, the biggest fear of a parent or spouse is the thought of you laying injured beside the road and them not knowing about it (even if there is virtually nothing they can do to help). Frequent communication can help resolve that fear immensely.
I understand there are some who are willing to strain or damage a relationship with their parents over the issue of (over) protectiveness. I'm certainly not willing to do that with my wife and I'm very happy that I've managed to work through various disagreements with my parents and my sons without damaging a long term relationship.
I'd suggest working to show your mother you understand her concerns and you'll do what you can to address them. You'd also like her to understand your goals/desires and you'd like her to be willing to work with you to address those as well. It's not productive to promise that you won't get hit by a car. You and your mom both know that it is, indeed, possible no matter what. You need to accept her concern and work with her on ways to mitigate it. Is there an interesting trip you can take where most of the riding is on bikeways? I ride 20 to 25 miles almost every day on lightly traveled roads close to my home. I'd want to assure my wife or my mom that I have no interest in a daredevil, high risk bike ride. I plan tour routes with safety in mind and my wife can see effort that goes into planning a route that is lightly populated with cars (and especially trucks). Over time, you build trust with the people who care about you that you're also concerned for your own safety and you make decent plans to see that you return home in one piece.
Are there some shorter trips you can take, beginning with day trips and single overnight trips, that she would feel better about? Sometimes, a parent's unstated concern is that you don't really know what you're getting into. Working up from shorter trips closer to home changes the request from "I want to do this really big thing I've never done before" to "I want to do this thing I've done successfully lots of times on a bit larger scale". As a parent, I'm much more comfortable with the latter approach.
My wife feels some reassurance that I always have my cell phone with me and I call her regularly (at least daily) to let her know where I'm at and how I'm doing. I encourage her to call me for even the smallest thing. Sometimes, the biggest fear of a parent or spouse is the thought of you laying injured beside the road and them not knowing about it (even if there is virtually nothing they can do to help). Frequent communication can help resolve that fear immensely.
06-05-09 | 01:13 PM
#57
Still on two wheels!
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 988
Likes: 1
From: West Tennessee
Don't take it too hard. My WIFE was so against my first tour, at age 45, that she didn't speek to me for a week before I departed and wouldn't answer the phone the whole time I was gone. We even have a different relationship now and I am to depart for a tour one week from today! Yea!
She doesn't understand, I don't ask her to, and no one is upset about it!
She doesn't understand, I don't ask her to, and no one is upset about it!
06-05-09 | 04:15 PM
#58
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,268
Likes: 0
You have to assert yourself. If you dont start at age 18, then when?
My parents were similar, tried to control me too much. The reality was that no-one had my interests at heart more than I did... I told them this, and then I moved out of their home when I turned 17, supported myself through high school and got a full-ride scholarship to college. I graduated, got a full-ride to a PhD program. This was all without their involvement or advice. Somewhere along the way they began to believe me when I said "mom, dad, I love you guys, but Im going to do what I want, when I want. I'll try not to screw up too bad, but im doing that for myself, not for you"
Now when we talk, we talk as equals.
You need to earn their respect, this is done through actions and demonstration of responsibility.
My parents were similar, tried to control me too much. The reality was that no-one had my interests at heart more than I did... I told them this, and then I moved out of their home when I turned 17, supported myself through high school and got a full-ride scholarship to college. I graduated, got a full-ride to a PhD program. This was all without their involvement or advice. Somewhere along the way they began to believe me when I said "mom, dad, I love you guys, but Im going to do what I want, when I want. I'll try not to screw up too bad, but im doing that for myself, not for you"
Now when we talk, we talk as equals.
You need to earn their respect, this is done through actions and demonstration of responsibility.
06-05-09 | 05:21 PM
#59
Deluxe Member
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 107
Likes: 0
From: Cumberland, MD
Bikes: 97 Specialized Hardrock, 09 Surly LHT
Don't take it too hard. My WIFE was so against my first tour, at age 45, that she didn't speek to me for a week before I departed and wouldn't answer the phone the whole time I was gone. We even have a different relationship now and I am to depart for a tour one week from today! Yea!
She doesn't understand, I don't ask her to, and no one is upset about it!
She doesn't understand, I don't ask her to, and no one is upset about it!
06-06-09 | 07:24 AM
#60
Still on two wheels!
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 988
Likes: 1
From: West Tennessee
Maybe it would be good to have the naysaying parent or spouse accompany on a tour?
Now that sir, is the funniest thing I have heard all day!
I don't want anyone on a bike tour with me that isn't enthoustic about the whole process! Heck, I have children the age of the OP and older that I wish they would get into cycling! Maby one of my Grandchldren will be a cyclist and camper before I am stopped from my travels!
If my 17 year old came up and said " I wan't to bike tour for a month this summer", I would be getting the bike ready for him! My wife accused me for years of letting my children be too independent. Her role is, "poor baby come to mama and let me protect you" and mine is "live and grow up, who cares if you get a few scars" after all, the scars are stories to tell!
Now that sir, is the funniest thing I have heard all day!
I don't want anyone on a bike tour with me that isn't enthoustic about the whole process! Heck, I have children the age of the OP and older that I wish they would get into cycling! Maby one of my Grandchldren will be a cyclist and camper before I am stopped from my travels!
If my 17 year old came up and said " I wan't to bike tour for a month this summer", I would be getting the bike ready for him! My wife accused me for years of letting my children be too independent. Her role is, "poor baby come to mama and let me protect you" and mine is "live and grow up, who cares if you get a few scars" after all, the scars are stories to tell!
06-06-09 | 05:09 PM
#61
Deluxe Member
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 107
Likes: 0
From: Cumberland, MD
Bikes: 97 Specialized Hardrock, 09 Surly LHT
I didn't say it wasn't funny! 
I can't get my wife or daughter to go with me, as much as I try. But you never know, maybe if he was able to convince his Dad to go along on maybe a short trip, his Dad might like it and then he'd have a partner for future longer trips.
I can't get my wife or daughter to go with me, as much as I try. But you never know, maybe if he was able to convince his Dad to go along on maybe a short trip, his Dad might like it and then he'd have a partner for future longer trips.
