In this thread try to think of me as the Dear Abby of cycling... only younger and hairier. I'll use this thread in my cycling zine, so please understand that your questions and my answers will be published and distributed to a whopping dozens of people. Please understand that I know less than you do about cycling, and my answers will most likely be wrong and if taken seriously can result in sudden loss of eyesight, extreme inebriation, or the formation of mysterious sores in the shoulder area. There are no boundaries to the questions other than they must in some way deal with cycling whether directly or indirectly.

So lay back on gonesh9's purple velvet cyber couch and ask what you've always wanted to know.

Dear gonesh9,

Why are steering components such as headsets, stem clamps/quills, & steerer tube diameters measured in inches while the rest of the bike are measured in metric?

Confused in Los Angeles

DUDE! Can I try to answer?

Dear Confused,

Los Angeles is a very smoggy yet exciting city. Many movies are filmed there, and the fine line between make-believe and reality is often blurred. Consider this: there is 25.4mm in every inch, but only 12 inches in a foot. Something is missing here. It is my understanding that the steering components need to be designed without that 13.4 mm-in conversion mystery flaw, so as to produce a smooth turning radius. Another interesting point I would like to make is that men have nipples, but don't breast feed. All they do is get chaffed by jerseys on hot humid days. Sounds fishy to me.

*edited for incorrect conversion factor

Should I ride a Unicycle in the snow?

That's 25.4mm=1"

Dear Gonesh:
Does it hurt anything if I wear my French shoes when I ride my English Bike?

I stand corrected, thank you Allister.

Dear Akirafist,

If you have to ask this question I think you already know the answer. But let me humor you anyways...

As you presumably know, uni means ONE. Snow spelled backwards is WONs.
You seem to have a deep self-gratification complex, and the first step is to admit it.
Taking Dr. George Clinton's equation for intergalactic funk into consideration, the calculation is as such:

∑ (ONE) * X revolutions + zebra striped jumpsuit / [backwards(sNOW)] = FUN
So yes, you should definitely ride a unicycle in the snow, it would be fun.

Dear ollo_ollo,

The English have Pink Floyd, the BBC, Mini Coopers, and Monty Python. What do the French have besides their french fries, french bread, french kiss, and Napoleon? The French are extremely jealous of the English, and have designed their cycling shoes to go through a chemical reaction when used in conjunction with an English bike. Your feet will start aging very rapidly, until they resemble the dried up plum that fell in between your couch cushions last October. Let this be a lesson to everyone: Never ever ride your English bike with French shoes, and check under the cushions before crashing on ollo_ollo's couch.

Dear Chuvak,

Yes, be my guest to give it your best shot at answering Confused's inquiry.

But then, I'd like to ask you a few questions regarding that incident with your pet hamster, a popsicle, and degreasing fluid.

And just how do you know about this supposed incident?...

Dear gonesh9

How likely is it that you will have children if your parents didn't?

Dear ruirui,

It is a 2004 model Poulan Weedeater brand gasoline weed trimmer, model BC2400. You're really not messing around with this one!



-----------------------------------
Product Features
8" Weed Blade Included
Gear drive for more torque and better performance than belt-driven models
Heavy Duty Automatic Clutch
NOT FOR SALE IN CALIFORNIA
Primer Bulb for Easy Starting
Tap N Go® VI Dual Exit Head Line Advance
Product Specifications
Approximate Shipping Weight - 13.5 lbs.
Cutting Path - 17" / 43cm
Engine Size - 24 cc
Line Diameter - .065" / 1.65 mm
Shaft Length - 52"
Shaft Type - Straight
Warranty - 2 Year Limited
--------------------------------------

Dear Gonesh9,


I am very confused and don't know where to turn for advice, so I'm writing to you. Most of my friends know me as a hardtail riding XC kinda guy, the type that wears baggy shorts and isn't afraid to try a mild drop or two, likes to do thirty mile singletrack runs and kick back with the guys for a brew or two after the ride. A lot of times I even ride to the trailhead right from my house. Sometimes, though, I have to indulge in a secret pleasure. Then I load my Italian road bike into my Tahoe under the cover of darkness, and with my spandex hidden by an old pair of shorts, I leave the neighborhood to ride with another crowd. This is a fast crowd. Most of my regular riding buds wouldn't fit in here, some of these guys even wear bibs and shave their legs. There is something quite alluring about the thought of taking my place in a fast paceline, and maybe even taking a pull or two. I know if my XC pals ever caught me in my spandex and ugly shoes I could never live it down. I feel torn in two, what can I do?

Signed, Dr. Jekyll

Dear Gonesh9: How do I keep all the suburbanites in cars out of my City? And what is the BEST bike for my five mile commute?

Well, you have most likely heard of the concept of immaculate conception, but are you aware of the phenomenon known as immaculate parentisation? It only occurs when the moon is aligned with Uranus, er, your anus, at the exact time that Frank Zappa is dental flossing a pygmy pony.

I'd say it's about a one in a million chance, much better if you live in California or Iceland.

Dear Gonesh9,

I messed up my BB threads trying to install a new BB myself, and the guy down the street told me I needed a left handed tap to fix the threads. I think he's pulling my leg. Can't I just turn the bike around and tap the threads forom the other side?

Dear randya,

Hands down, the BEST bike for your five mile commute is a tall chopper such as this lovely specimen:



As for keeping all the suburbanites out of cars in your (our) city, I have a few simple suggestions:


1. Gather a large contingency of cyclists to lay giant farts in every parked car in the city.
2. Keep on riding with a smile, soon they'll all want to come try it themselves.
3. Dream on.

you must be joking.........

Dear Buzzbomb,

Your friend is indeed pulling your leg, and it's pretty obvious to me that he has a severe crush on you. His desire to watch you turn that left handed tap most likely stems from a deep rooted fear of commitment coupled with a transexual yearning and a penchant for blue snow cones. It is all too common and very obvious to the outside observer.
Walk, don't run with scizzors, down to his house and give him a good playful slap on the ass. Then have him hold your bike while you tap that bottom bracket hard from the rear in a powerful thrusting motion. Make sure to clean up well afterwards, as it can be a very messy job.

Dear gonesh9,

All the pics of John Kerry riding his bicycle never show an air pump or a bag with spare tubes, or anything but water for that matter. Is John Kerry too good to get a flat tire?

Dear Dr. Jekyll,

As Lao Tzu states very eloquently in the Tao Te Ching,

The Tao that can be followed is not the eternal Tao.
The name that can be named is not the eternal name.
The nameless is the origin of heaven and earth
While naming is the origin of the myriad things.
Therefore, always desireless, you see the mystery
Ever desiring, you see the manifestations.
These two are the same—
When they appear they are named differently.
This sameness is the mystery,
Mystery within mystery;
The door to all marvels.

Dear akirafist,

The real question we all want to know is this:

Is our current president a Bush or a Chimp?

Dear Gonesh9:

The girls I ride with keep telling me - "it's not the size of the stem that matters, but the power to the crank."

What the heck do they mean?

55/Rad