I hope you don't mean zip ties and a mount on top of a stem looks better.

Since they aren't allowed to see it, trackies win.........under the rear seat and invisible. Lol.

Trash? Who mentioned trash?
I'm so vain I subscribe to the Wall Street Journal just so the EMT who discovers it when he cuts off my jersey will think I'm someone with enough money to actually care what happens on Wall Street.
Brent

Dude! Anything that looks pro by definition looks good. I am pretty sure it is in The Rules.

I use a carbon saddle, & get mild satisfaction when folks remark on how hard is looks.

Also like it when they notice that I went up a hill in the big ring- they usually don't notice that it's a 48/34.

I like this. I try to nod to people (not often do people do it first or even back, funnily enough I feel as the proportion of women who do it is quite a bit higher, but then again the sample sizes are vastly different).

Anyway, I was at the end of a hill, trying my best and I am sure it could be seen, and this guy comes down and notices it and loudly encourages me, and you know what, it did help. I really appreciated that.

I just thought of something - I love bright colors, but I have (thus far) refrained from buying/wearing apparel that clashes with my bike(s). For instance, I like bright orange, but my bike is primarily red and gray, so no bright orange jersey or jacket for me.

Then again, I still have the Domane in the basement, waiting to be sold, and that's a blue/gray that would look good with orange... Now that would be some cycling vanity - buying/keeping a bike so that you could wear complementary colors that you fancy.

Nothing wrong with that! As it turns out, i have a blue/red Lizard skin tape - it isnt a color i would normally get but was a race prize, so i cant swap it. And now i am thinking of building a bike around it. It helps that i want to get something other than red/black/white for my gravel bike. Makes sense and my wife should be able to see the irrefutable logic here, right?

I mean, if she can't, what are you two even doing being together?

Lol, good point.

I roll up the sleeves of my jerseys and slide up the legs of my bibs so my tan lines are a bit higher. I also have to make sure my bib grippers are pushed up the same amount so my tan lines are even.

I'm so vain I spend tons of money on a bike when most people with a $200 huffy could beat me in a race.

I'm also so vain that when riding on Zwift, I pretend like my Cat D race podium finish is incredible, so my wife (who knows nothing about cycling) will think I'm amazing and give me a reward.

When I pull up next to the dude doing a trackstand at the lights, I do one too, but without standing up.

Oooh, that's a good one. I'm determined to learn how to do this now. That would be a killer move to pull during a group ride. :-)

At the end of a ride, I'll ride an extra couple miles around my hood to "round up" the distance to the nearest 5 miles. 40 just looks better than 38.3 on Strava.

I've done that so many times, though for me it's just rounding up to the nearest mile, not the nearest five miles. After too many instances where my Garmin reported X.0 miles, then Strava showed (X -1).9 miles, however, I'm getting jaded and more willing to let the fractional part slide.

A track sit.

^ This.

I admit to no particular vanity. Nor modesty for that matter. So, if the common roadie has issue with my appearance, that's their problem. Having lost 140 or so pounds, I'm still a Clyde at 240... But, I enjoy having a nice clean bike at the beginning of a ride.

A long time ago, I rode so I could justify massive snacking. However, massive snacking continued when I quit riding. So I understand the caramel apple on a stick reference.

Passing people on odd bikes was a fun thing when I was younger. Passing weight weenie roadies on a knobby tired MTB was fun. Especially grabbing the next gear as I passed them, and stayed seated as they gave chase. Ohhhhh, to be that strong again...

Rules are made to be broken. If my legs are shaved, it is for surgery. Not vanity. Tan lines are for those too chicken for au natural sun bathing (or tanning booth)...