lrzipris

Cycling has been my relief, my outlet, from the stress of taking care of my chronically-ill wife. Perhaps because of her disability and being increasingly house-bound, she had a problem with the time that I spent cycling because it took me away from her and from home. I would ask her if she preferred me to stay home and be grumpy or go riding and come home happy, with stories of the outside world to share with her. I did make some compromises when she needed more support than usual, though. That's what you do when you're a care-giver.

Sadly, my wife died in late June, and I now have all the time in the world to ride, but I suddenly realized, while cycling one day, that, although I enjoy my rides, I no longer get that zen high that made cycling so special. I'd rather have her here, giving me grief about cycling every weekend.

Longhorn

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Wind 'N Snow

This song goes through my head every time I come back home from a great, hard ride!

My issue is "time-guilt" I've got lots of support from my significant other, but there is a real perceived resentment for being "out on the bike" for three hours after work. The result has been switching to 5:00 a.m. rides and Saturday and Sunday morning rides - effectively eliminating any ability or desire to stay up late. I tried to get my partner on the bike and I am still working on it. But you have all heard it before and have probably dealt with it in yourselves - the "nagging reluctance" - it is raining, it is too windy, it is too hot, it is too cold, there's too much traffic, there's so much to do around the house...

Now that winter is biting at my heels and the sun is coming up later and later, I'm going to have to start a new strategy to get back to after work riding...I don't have the answer to this, but I wish I did.

KirkeIsWaiting

Move South.....alone.

Wind 'N Snow

I have thought about that...but then what would I complain about....besides, I actually do like my significant other and this big ol' land mass I call home (I have to work to not confuse those two items -- bad for home relations).

LordOpie

wow, that nearly made me cry.

I hope my future wife never falls ill, but if she does, I will continue to love her, just as you loved and and still love your wife.

biodiesel

It's funny, a bud of mine is a young RAAM rider who now wantsa girl that DOESNT ride! (He needs someone to drive chase)

operator

Sounds like I won't be getting a wife any time soon.

islenska

i completely understand! do you think its just in out heads or do you think its real? i'm just waiting for the "perceived resentment" to be used as a secret weapon that comes back to haunt me when i least expect it.

you ever worry about that?

Wind 'N Snow

All the time!!! I went out on a "longer" ride last Sunday. I was feeling good so I decided to stretch 50 k to 100 K. Of course I called at the half way mark. You could just hear the "quiet" resentment. My strategy is to just be good, as good as I can be, around the house, do my share and more (It won't kill me) and send my significant other off to visit friends and family whenever possible and wanted to build some "equity".

Ultimately I want to be able to bike together, but short of starting on a tandem, I don't see much more than the local bike trail.

The percieved resentment is always there waiting to be fired, you just have to build up enough defence, or good will, or karma to have something to fight it with.

Otherwise everything is peachy! No really. Did I tell you I'm getting an indoor trainer to go with my rollers.

islenska

ok...that is a good plan....equity...i like that....build an arsenal of smiles and good will...no defense against that!!!

Wind 'N Snow

If you think about it, this strategy works for everything, but careful not to become a peahie (suck-up).

Sometimes though, it just doesn't work. That's when you imagine that some imaginary audience is watching (and caring) about your situation and, at least they are keeping score of your good deeds and the injustice - even if you yourself have to swallow your pride and repeat the most helpful expression known to any woman or man..."yes dear".

Wind 'N Snow

The question, CE, is do you use a floor pump or a hand pump...or do you rely on CO2 to keep it up?

Besides if you really want to ride another bike, you are with the wrong bike. Unless you are a bikamist.

islenska

i don't know why i find this so hysterical. it must be because its SO TRUE. but all this talk of "building equity" and swallowing pride makes me wonder if we are in fact being manipulated. i don't know about you but i hate feeling like i'm "in trouble" when i'm out on a ride, and i hate feeling like "uh oh, boy am i going to get it when i get home."

Wind 'N Snow

It is hysterical because it is true. Relationships are all about politics. Who can get away with what? It is all about a (probably never spoken of) agreement. One partner will hold the power and decision making in one area, and the other in an other area. In some cases, unfortunately, one partner holds all the power. In other cases, one partner thinks s/he holds all the power, but the other's passive agressive behaviour actually dominates all the decisions. This sounds so Machiavellian or Marxist, but it is how humans interact. Don't talk to me about shared and equal - there is no such thing - even in the best relationship (of which I include mine, believe it or not).

The "feeling" of being in trouble comes when you have spent long enough with your partner (or parents, for that matter) that you know when you are doing something that you know they would not be happy with - like that night in Vegas with the "performer" - you develop a very strong psycic bond. If you don't, there really isn't much of a relationship there.

It still sucks, though when you feel bad about riding your bike.

Being single is AN answer, but not THE answer.

snowy

Wow, Wind 'N Snow.... that was intense!!!

zebano

My wife hates to sweat (her words) and loves to tell me about the items she bought on clearance for <$5 (about which I couldn't care less). You may wonder how we hooked up, but we do have many common interests (swimming, board games, band) and now we have a daughter. One of the biggest problem is that I have 5 hobbies (biking, ultimate, tennis, chess, computer programming) and she has none (she scrapbooks and crosstiches, but claims that since she does that all day with our daughter, they arn't hobbies). This causes lots of stress since I generally take 1 day out of the week for myself and half a day on the weekend. I then commute by bike to get my bike time in and she feels she never gets out of the house. When I offer to watch Brenna (alone) for a night, she has nowhere to go and doesn't want to do anything.

I don't thing it's about biking per se, it's about everyone having both personal time, and time for each other. Some people like 100% personal time, others are the opposite. I think I prefer 60% personal/40% together and my wife prefers 90% together/10%personal.

islenska

i hate to say it, but he is right.

islenska

oh man, now this is getting good. hope she doesn't read this thread!

i completely understand the discrepancy you speak of...but in my experience the percentages fluctuate. Sometimes *i'm* the one wanting 90% together, and sometimes its the other way around. sometimes its more equal, it really depends.

Wind 'N Snow

Sorry...it's been building up.

zebano

Islenska, you are of course correct, but it is the worst during the summer. Thats when I really get restless =)

Wind 'N Snow

I feel your pain Zebano.

What gets me is how "together" time is usually doing nothing (watching TV) or doing something you don't want to do and the "hate to sweat" argument projects itself onto the kids who should be out sweating!!

But this shouldn't turn into a rant about spouses/partners. Like I said before, it is all about understandings, building a karma buffer zone, and seeing just how far you can push without doing any damage to the relationship.

Before you do anything else, and I hate to sound like Dr. Phil, You HAVE TO talk about it. Trust me, for years, in several relationships, I kept quiet, assuming that my partner would figure it out....nope. Either they didn't or they did, but pretented they didn't to keep the advantage.

Talk about what's important to you and try to relate why it is also important to the relationship, the family, the dog, etc.

If you can't do this, you will run into problems down the road - either by nurturing a delicious and lasting hatred for each other, or by wandering off to ride on someone else's saddle.

If you can't do this in a dating relationship -- run! If you can't do it in a more permanent relationship, work a little harder at trying. Remember, the problem could very well be you!

That is the second trick. Always take the blame. It may increase the seathing resentment boiling up inside you, but it builds Karma, and others, if you need allies, will notice.

islenska

lmao...karma buffer zone...that is priceless!

this is a tricky pitfall of the karma buffer zone strategy -- is there a counter for it?

do you mean what i think you mean?

allies...again, priceless.

man, you give new meaning to the saying "all's fair in love and war."

(and cycling)

jayroc

For me, cycling is an escape from my relationship. It's pretty much in the can right now, so any time I can get away from her, the better. She obviosly doesn't ride a bike, she smokes, and she like to shop at wal-mart. need I say more?

Wind 'N Snow

Hope this makes sense to you. I can't always apply my theories, but sometimes things go well and other times they go better.

As with that other metaphor, don't win the stage, but lose the war!